The Forgotten Victor
by AlwaysTheBridesmaid08100
Summary: What if there was another victor of District 12, whom people thought was better to be forgotten? Who president Snow ought to be better forgotten? And she isn't just someone. She is Katniss Everdeen her aunt. See here the story of the forgotten rebel, of the Forgotten Victor.
1. Chapter 1

1.

It was a cold and grey day, perfectly expressing how I was feeling. I stood there, huddled up with my mother and brother in the pouring rain. We've been here for over an hour now, and we've seen many people and injured miners pass. I look up to my mother, who's face expresses pure concentration as she looks out for my dad.

Suddenly one of the miners walks up to us. ''Miss Everdeen?'' he says, and my mother looks away from her focus point. ''Yes?'' she answers, her voice soft and cracked around the edges. ''I'm afraid this is it,'' he says sad and quietly. My mother nods sternly and her body starts to tremble. My brother grabs my shoulders firmly, squeezing in it. ''Jack, take Lily home,'' she tells my brother. At first I refuse and then he picks me up and I start crying.  
And this all happened on my 4th birthday.

Now it's a year later, and we're just getting by. It's been a long and hard year, having almost nothing to live on or for. Mom runs a laundry business, so that puts something on the table. Jack has been gone much lately, but every time he comes back he has fruits and berries and all kinds of roots with him. ''Lily, look,'' he says when he comes in with a bag of tesserae. I grin at the food.

Jack's birthday is today, he became 12. We are home alone because mom is working her fingers to bleed again. It hurts me to see her this way.

This continued for many years. My brother gone, me being alone, and my dear mother working herself to death while starving herself by giving us her food so we get to grow up healthy. And this all leads up to my first and my brother's last reaping.

Mom has laid out a light green dress and white shoes for me, and a white ribbon to put my brown hair up with. It all is a bit worn out, but you will never see me complaining. When I'm all dressed up and have studies myself in the mirror for a fair amount of time, I call mom to let her know I'm ready.

''Mom?'' when I get no reaction I go look for her around the house. My heart stops when I enter the kitchen and see her laying on the floor, unconscious. ''Mom..'' I whisper with a tiny voice. ''Jack, JACK'' I yell. He comes bursting through the doors, and his face immediately gets extremely pale at what he sees. ''We have to get her to the pharmacy of your girlfriend! We need to take her to Mary!'' I cry.

Jack quickly lifts up our mom in his arms, running out of the door, and I don't hesitate to run after him. When we enter the pharmacy, Mary her parents quickly take her to the back, together with my brother, and Mary sits me down on a big chair and tries to soothe me. She looks really pretty with her blonde hair and blue eyes. ''My parents are doing all they can Lily, I promise,'' she says, cupping my face.

I want to nod, but I can't. I'm too scared. My eyes shoot up when my brother walks in, his face tears stained, and I already know. He doesn't need to say it. This is when I become absolutely numb and stop crying, like all my feelings has been knocked out of me. Mary gives me a kiss on the cheek and holds me for a moment before releasing me, and Jack takes my hand. ''We're getting late,'' he says quietly with a broken voice. Unable to speak I nod.

The three of us walk to the reaping. Their last ones, my first one. My first reaping just goes by without me paying any attention. I'm glad when it's over and my brother collects me. He takes me home and tells me to change into something comfortable. When I'm done, he is waiting for me, wearing a leather jacket. ''Come,'' he says, reaching his hand out to me. I take it and he leads me to the meadow.

He tells me to be quiet and we go under the fence. At first, I'm pretty scared, but when Jack retrieves a bow and sheath of arrows from a hollow tree, I feel somewhat safer. ''This is where I get out food, Lims, and I'm going to teach you how,'' he says softly. Together we make my bow and arrows, and he learns me to shoot and shows me all eatable berries and roots. ''This is great..'' I whisper. He nods. ''And there are many more things to find,'' he assures me.

And we do. But Jack gets a job, and has Mary to go to, so I pretty much hunt by myself. It's not that bad. I use the alone time to train for the Games in case I get reaped by throwing knives, running, climbing, doing a lot of archery of course. Also, I found an old.. Bike? And put it up so I can keep my stamina up. It's reaping day and I'm out in the woods, silently tracking my snares for some rabbits or squirrels.

After I've collected three rabbits and two squirrels I head back to home to get ready for the reaping. The house is empty, so I immediately go to my room to change into my reaping clothes. A beige dress and white shoes. I undo my previous braid and comb my light curly brown hair through with my fingers, not bothering to get an actual comb, and braid it down my back again, doing a fishtail braid my mom always used to make.

I sigh and look at my bored-looking face. I'm not beautiful, I'm completely ordinary. Well.. Except for my eyes. Instead of grey or blue or brown eyes, mine are green, which is very uncommon for someone in District 12. I sigh and turn around, just in time to see Mary bursting in. She smiles when she sees me. ''You look really pretty,'' she says softly while brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I look at the ring around her finger that my brother gave her. In a few weeks they're getting married, and I can honestly call her my sister, like I always felt she was to me.

We go outside and find Jack waiting for us. They both take my hand and lead me to the Square. They kiss me goodbye and I find myself standing between all 17 year olds. I focus at some point beyond the Justice Building and pay little to no attention to the mayor reading the Treaty of Treason.

Then Suzette Goldlock, capitol lapdog, comes up to read the names. Her flu orating clothes and hair hurt my eyes. My stomach turns around in anticipation as I hope it's not me, not me.. And she calls the name out, and I'm absolutely numb. ''Lily-May Everdeen!'' It bounces around in my head, and it takes a while to register that this is _my_ name. I take a deep breath, trying to keep myself together, and mount the stairs and take my place.

My eyes are looking for my brother, and when I find him, my heart drops. No, it doesn't just drops.. it crashes down with the speed of light. His face expresses the same sadness as when our mother and father died, and Mary has buried her face in his chest. I take a ragged breath. The boy's name is drawn, and a 12 year old comes up. I look at him and immediately know he won't last two minutes.

We get escorted in to the Justice Building to say our goodbyes. I'm just in the room when Jack and Mary come in. Jack quickly embraces me tightly. ''You can do this Lims, you can do this. You can come back,'' he mutters in my hair. I nod and say ''I know,'' with a thick throat.

I'm going to miss him. I'm even going to miss the stupid nickname he gave me by putting my two names together. I'm going to miss my only family. Then he releases me and Mary hugs me tightly. ''Stay strong,'' she says softly. ''I will,'' I reply. She has been there for us, and she is as close to me as family. She is family. And too quickly it's time for them to leave. We scream ''I love you!'' at each other and then they're gone, and I'm left alone, since I don't have friends.

After a while we get collected and go into the Capitol train. I lock myself up in my room on the train and fall down on the bed, leaving District 12 and going to the Capitol.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

I wake up the next morning and wipe the sleep out of my eyes. I sit up and look outside, noticing the sun is just getting up. By this time I would've been preparing myself to go hunting or go to school.

I throw on some pants and a thick woolen shirt and go to the dining car. I see that I'm the only one up yet, so I get myself some pieces of bread and a brown creamy stuff, I believe they called chocolate drink, and make myself comfortable in a seat near the window. I get up several times to get some extra food, until I'm full and other people start coming in for breakfast. I quickly get up and want to leave, when Haymitch stops me.

''Look, apparently you're not interested or help or anything since all you do is exclude yourself from everybody, but if you want to survive, you need to stop being so stubborn _sweetheart_, and act like you want to live,'' he says bluntly, the scent of liquor on his breath. I push his hand that is laying on my shoulder away. ''Nobody lived since you became a mentor, so excuse me when I don't take your advice too seriously,'' I snap. He frowns. ''Fine. Suit yourself then,'' he bites back and walks off to the food. I storm off to my room and slam the door shut, falling down on my bed, pushing my nails into my skin, trying to regain myself. ''Stop it, stop it, stop it,'' I whisper to myself. I have to keep it together. I can't enter the Capitol crying. I take a weak breath and lay down on my bed, massaging my head. I tell myself to sleep it off, and I do.

It feels like I have only slept for a minute when Suzette knocks on my door, announcing we're almost entering the Capitol. I get up and fix myself and walk back to the dining car. I look out of the window, and I'm amazed by how big and beautiful it is. Beautiful in a horrendous way. We stop at the train station, and a crowd of weird looking people is waiting for us and cheering for us. I smile and wave at them, figuring they could be rich and get me sponsors. What do you think of _that_, Haymitch? We get escorted out and I'm officially at the Capitol.

I grit my teeth while they tear my hair out of my body and scrub me down. I shut their voices out and concentrate on a point somewhere at the ceiling while they're busy with me, and ignore their ridiculous voices and little chats about some party they went to and how awful the lime cake was.

I have to do my best not to yell at them. Well, can't really blame them for being.. them. I mean, they never saw their mother and countless other die of starvation, did they? I don't think so, or else they wouldn't be whining about a bad lime cake. When my skin is flawless and perfectly smooth, just like my hair that now falls over my shoulders like a curtain of curls, they let me go into a room to wait for my stylist.

I decide to stay naked since she or he will have me take my robes of immediately anyway. A blue colored woman with big flamboyant orange curls surrounding her face and a purple dress comes in. My stomach turns at the thought she will be the one to decide what I'm going to wear. ''I'm Tatiana, your stylist,'' she introduces herself. I notice she has a pleasant voice and I nod, saying ''I'm Lily-May.'' She nods. ''I know. Now.. let me have a look at you,'' she says as she starts circling around me, taking my body in. I feel the urge to cover myself, but don't. ''So.. What will we be this year?'' I ask.

She smiles widely at me. ''Cole dust!'' My stomach turns again. '''We will be naked, won't we?'' I ask frowning. She nods happy. ''Not that you have to worry about that sweetheart, you look fine. I'm happy I finally didn't get a monster,'' she says and I suppose it's a compliment so I smile a little.

So first she is busy doing my hair in an elegant braided bun on my head, and then it's powder time. In a few hours I'm covered in black shimmering powder, naked, and unrecognizable. The only thing that stands out are my green eyes through the black. We assemble with everybody else and go to the bottom floor of the Remake Center, where the chariots wait. We get set up, and I can't help but wish for this to be over as soon as possible.

We get ridden out and I'm blinded by the lights. Everybody is cheering and waving and screaming, so I decide to smile and wave back at them, and they eat it like good lime cake. My jaw hurts when we get to president Snow's speech. Something about Happy Hunger Games, courageous.. I tune out again. When we finally get back to the Training Center and get off the chariots, I'm about to sprint to the lifts when my eye falls on someone.

I turn around to see the eyes of the District 2 boy fixated on me. He grins and looks away, and I don't know what to possibly think. I shake it off and quickly go to the lift, pressing the number 12, and I shoot up so quickly I don't even have time to think about how fast this lift is. I fight the urge to go again and go to the room which they tell me is mine, and I'm startled. It is gigantic, bigger than my house.

I get some comfortable looking clothes and go to the shower. I press several buttons, until the water is perfectly warm and my body is covered with a thick pink foam you have to scrape off with a thick brush. When I have my natural skin color back again and my hair is in its natural state, I slip under the covers of my bed, noticing how soft and warm it is. I snuggle up and let my thoughts drift off to the woods at home and my brother. Happy thoughts before hell begins tomorrow, and I learn how to kill.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

It's the first Training day. I put on whatever is laid out for me, which is a black shirt with a matching tight black trousers. Both have a blue stripe on the side. I put on the shoes and go down to eat breakfast. Nobody is there so I eat alone.

I stuff myself, and after that, I take the time to braid my hair back and go down slowly. When I arrive I'm one of the last ones. I silently take place in the circle they made and act as if I listen to the rules. When she is done, I see all the career tributes go to the weapon section, so I decide to go to some of the survival skills. They are all startled about how much I already know, so they explain even more difficult and advanced things.

Then it's lunch time, which we do together. I take a spot on my own and pay little to no attention to my fellow tributes as I eat. I sometimes look up to see the boy of 2 looking at me. I try to ignore it, but it is pretty annoying. After lunch we have another few hours of training. I try some knife throwing, from which I know I'm absolutely not bad at since I never miss, and after that move on to archery.

I caress the brilliant and beautiful bow and take the matching sheath of arrows with me. I smile when I think about how even though I started later with crafting bows, mine always out shown Jack's. I immediately notice this bow is much different than what I'm used to. After about two arrows I don't miss target anymore, and always hit bulls eye. When I'm pleased with myself, I return the bow and arrows and go to the lifts that take me back to my level, not noticing the staring looks of the careers, ignoring the fact we still have another hour to go.

On the third day, at lunch, the boy from 2 comes over to my table, and I just stare at him. I have caught him staring at me several times, but so did the other careers. What does he want? I doubt he is going to ask me if I want to join them. ''Mind if I..?'' he says, gesturing to the seat opposite of me. 'Oh yes,' I want to say, but instead I just shrug and he sits down with his plate. First, we eat in silence, and I'm definitely the one to break it.

I'm starting to enjoy it when he has to ruin it. ''What's your name. I look up with my eyebrows raised. ''Lily-May,'' I mutter. ''Yours?'' He smiles and runs his hair through his dark brown, curly hair. He looks like a beautiful mess. ''Hadrian,'' he answers. ''Hey..'' he says, getting my attention. ''I saw you shooting and stuff, and you're pretty good.'' I scowl. ''If you came here to ask me if I want to join your little group of trained machines, then the answer is no,'' I snap at him. He shrugs and says something that gets me off guard; ''I didn't sit with you to ask that.'' I look down at my plate again. ''Oh,'' I say. ''Then why did you?'' I ask, curious. ''You're a good shooter, and you have pretty eyes,'' he says grinning.

I roll my eyes and shake my head, smiling a bit. ''So.. Lily-May.. What's up with the two names?'' he asks. I can see he really is curious. I decide I can tell that. It isn't something he will be able to use against me.  
''My brother came up with it, he liked the flowers though he only knew them from pictures, and I was born in May.. So that came out,'' I tell him, shrugging.

He nods interested and I can see he is thinking really hard. ''Lily? As in those lilies?'' I laugh shortly and say ''Yes.'' He nods. ''It's a pretty flower, it suits you,'' he says, staring at me.

I quickly break eye contact and stuff my mouth with a piece of apple. ''I like primroses,'' he admits. I look up. ''Do you even know how they look like?'' I ask wondering. He nods. ''Yes, but.. I've never seen them for real, only in books,'' he says. ''Just like your brother,'' he adds. A little _pang_ in my chest. _Just like my brother_. I accomplished to keep him out of my head as much as possible, but this brings him back.

I inhale deeply and exhale out slowly. He looks at me, frowning. ''What's wrong?'' I frown at him. ''Nothing,'' I snap and I pick my empty plate up and put it away, before storming off. Just what I needed. Someone making its way into my brain, settling there, just before the Games. While being a career. I take the lift to my level, bump past an angry Haymitch, and lock myself in my room, where I cry, eat, and cry more. Then I huddle myself up in me bed, ignoring Haymitch and Suzette, and fall asleep, exhausted. Not looking forward to tomorrow.

I wake up, even more tired than I already was. I dress myself, eat, and go down to the Training Center. I need to get out, I realize while setting up a snare. And quick. I miss the woods. The fresh air, the freedom.. When it's lunchtime, I sit down at my usual table and Hadrian joins me. I sigh, miserably. ''What are you doing?'' I ask tiredly.

He shrugs. ''You're interesting, and I like interesting people.'' I laugh and shake my head. ''We're in the Hunger Games,'' I remind him. ''We'll probably end up killing each other, and you want to create a bond or something?'' I ask him. The whole idea is ridiculous. He nods. ''Nothing wrong with a little fun before the real thing goes down, right?'' he asks before biting in a piece of bread. I sigh and decide not to say otherwise. ''I'm going up,'' I announce before setting my plate away. He quickly follows me and asks ''Up where?''

''The roof,'' I answer. How stupid the idea never came on my mind before to go there. ''I'll go with you.'' I quickly turn around and laugh in his face. ''No you won't, you'll get kicked out of your alliance.. If they didn't already do that,'' I add. He shakes his head. ''No. Now show me that roof of yours.''  
I take him up and we go outside. I gladly sniff in the cool and fresh air. ''Tell me something about yourself?'' he asks when we've been standing on the roof for a couple of minutes. ''No,'' I answer simply. He shrugs and smiles. ''Fine, I'll start. I'm an only child, had a lovely life, been trained to kill, using a sword, yes how ordinary, and I only had 3 girlfriends through my whole life, and I'm 18 years old.'' I look up at him, surprised he tells me all this.

I sigh, knowing this can go only one way. ''Fine,'' I say angry. ''I have one brother, both my parents are dead, I saw my mother die, my brother is getting married and I'll probably never be able to see it, I hunt to stay alive, I never had a boyfriend and I'm 17 years old,'' I say in one breath.

''I'm sorry,'' he mutters. Because of my death parents. I start massaging my temples and sigh. ''It's okay, it was 5 years ago,'' I mumble. But I'm not okay. I'll never be okay. ''What happens if I jump off this building,'' I ask with a dull voice. He shrugs. ''Don't know, but don't try. You're one of the only interesting tributes,'' he says smiling. I give him a weak smile back. I feel even more tired than I did before we went up.

Suddenly, he takes me in his arms, and it feels like I'm turning to stone. ''What are you doing?'' I mutter, while his delicious scent goes up my nose. ''Giving you a hug, seems like you haven't gotten enough in your life,'' he whispers back, and I can feel the air move on the top of my head where his mouth is. I relax a bit, thinking about I'll probably won't even be the one to kill him in the Arena.

I look up, and see he is already looking down at me. His eyes are light grey. But not the cold grey you'd expect. It's a much warmer and welcoming shade of grey. And then he kisses me, and I don't know how to breath, react, move anymore. Eventually I give in and kiss back, pushing the negative thoughts back. I deserve some fun before I die too, right?  
When he pulls back and looks at me, I'm absolutely sure he has been the biggest surprise yet. And the most pretty one, too.


	4. Chapter 4

4.

Today we have to show the Game makers our skills. Our private sessions. I go to breakfast, feeling grumpy and not in the mood for small talk, so I just stuff my mouth, dress myself and get down to where we have to wait for our Private Sessions. I seat myself apart from the rest, and slowly start braiding my hair down my back.

I see Hadrian looking at me a couple of times, grinning, and I quickly look away every time, not allowing the redness in my cheeks to become even more red. But I also catch evil glares of his district partner, so I decide not to look their way anymore. Before Hadrian goes in, he comes up to me and whispers; ''See you on the roof.'' The girl from 2 looks at me as if she is ready to slit my throat any time now, (which she probably is and is what she is going to do once we're in the Arena), so I'm happy when she gets called up. I sit here for a long time, and I'm alone when they call me in.

But when I get there, I already notice it doesn't matter. Everybody is eating and talking, and nobody is paying attention. I fight the urge to just walk away immediately. I take my bow and arrows, and hit every possible target I can hit. All of them hit bulls eye.

I look up, but only two have seen it, so I plunge down my weapons and sit on the ground, arms crossed, waiting for them to dismiss me. And they do, and I quickly run out and go to my level, changing in some normal clothes, and remember someone is waiting for me on the roof.

I grab some food and take it up with me. Hadrian turns around and smiles when he sees me. We sit together and eat. When we're both full, he looks at me. I can almost see the desire burning behind his eyes and I try hard not to blush. ''How did you do in your private session?'' he asks. I shrug. ''I did well, but nobody paid any attention to me so I just sat there on the floor half of the time, waiting for them to dismiss me.'' He laughs and shakes his head.

I don't bother asking how he did. Of course he did great, he is a career. Then suddenly I think about something. ''Your district partner, she absolutely loathes me, doesn't she?'' I ask. He nods and grins. ''She thinks I'm her property. The hopeless flirting attempts she did were just pathetic.'' I laugh and shake my head. Then he suddenly takes my arm and pulls my sleeve up, showing an ugly scar near my elbow. ''How did that happened?'' he asks, eyebrows furrowed. ''I got in a fight with a bear. It was scary as hell and he got to hit me right there.. But I had the luck something distracted him so I could shoot him down,'' I tell him. ''Wow,'' he says. I laugh. ''You're really pretty when you laugh,'' he says. I scowl at him and say; ''only when I laugh?'' He shakes his head and suddenly kisses me on the lips. Again. ''No.'' I push him away and shoot up. ''Stop it, just.. just stop doing this, okay?'' I say, desperation in my voice. I inhale and try to regain myself. ''How many times do I have to tell you not to do this? This isn't going anywhere! WE aren't going anywhere!'' I yell at him. He looks taken back, and I walk away. He doesn't follow me. Maybe he understood, maybe he finally understood. And it hurts. _Another loss,_ and the Games haven't even begun.

The training scores are flashing under our faces. The careers from both 1 and 2 have a 10, the careers from 4 have a 9 and 10, and I don't pay attention to all the other ones. Then my face and name comes up, and a 4 flashes beneath my face.

I sigh and let my head drop in my hands. Goodbye hope on getting sponsors and winning this, goodbye life. ''Well sweetheart, you better score during the interviews.'' I look up to Haymitch, and think about how this is the first time he has talked to me during our time in the Training Center. I nod. ''I will,'' I say numbly, and I go to bed, not bothering to say something. When I fall asleep, it's restless with many people dying. I wake up screaming twice.

The next day, I get 4 hours with Suzette to learn me how to walk on heels and in a long dress, and 4 hours with Haymitch to work on our interview strategy. In total, 8 hours of torture. The heels hurt, and I trip several times.

In the end I can walk without falling, but not over a longer distance than 4 meters. My time with Haymitch goes by better, and we decide I'll go with seductive and mysterious, two things I never thought I could be. ''Good job sweetheart, you'll do fine,'' he assures me, and I'm so happy it went well I give him a little smile.

Then it's time for our stylists after we had diner. Tatiana comes in, happy, with a bag which probably carries my dress. She leaves my hair hanging down, making my long brown hair flow over my shoulders in elegant curls, fixing the left side of my hair on the backside of my head and letting al my hair hang over my right shoulder. For my make-up she uses black colors which make my green eyes stand out, and when she puts the dress on me and I see myself in the mirror, I can't believe my eyes. I look beautiful, dangerous, mysterious, and even a bit sexy. I'm in shortage of words for the dress.

It's a beautiful long, black, strapless dress, which hugs my body perfectly. The body of the dress has little diamonds in it and the rest of the dress shimmers. ''I look..'' ''Beautiful?'' she finishes my sentence. I nod, still speechless. Then, they we go to the chairs where the Tributes have to wait for their interview.

I'm happy when I notice the heels I'm wearing are shorter than the heels I practiced with, so I get to my chair without any trouble. When I sit down and look around me, my eyes fall on the careers. They all look stunning. But my eyes meet Hadrian's, and he just looks at me, my body, my hair, my face, his expression priceless. I smirk and pay attention to the interviews, though not really.

I learn that the district one tributes are called Valentine and Diamond. Diamond is a stunning girl with honey colored hair, and Valentine is handsome with dark blonde hair. Then it's up to the district 2 girl, and she is utterly charming with her blonde hair and perfect little face, with a matching light blue dress.

She tells how ready she is to kill and stuff. Her time is over, and it's time for Hadrian. He looks stunning in a black suit with grey accents that accentuates his eyes. God, is he gorgeous. Of course he is very charming and funny, and just lovable. But then they ask; ''So, any special lady at home?'' and he just grins and says ''No, not at home. This is all I'll let out, sorry,'' and then his time is over too.

My gut turns when I think about how I'm probably that special lady. Not at home, indeed. And too soon it's my turn. I haven't moved much so I don't have to fix anything about my hair or dress. A deafening explosion of cheers erupts when I come on, and I smile and wave. Aren't I likable.

I sit down and shake Caesars hand. ''So, Lily-May, how is it possible such a charming girl like you only scores a 4 in training?'' he asks animated. I smile my most charming smile. ''Well, Caesar, scores can be misleading,'' I say mysterious. ''Oh, and please call me Lily,'' I add. I shoot a quick look at the audience and see they are all taking me in, nobody looks bored. ''So, tell me about your situation at home, any special people..?'' he asks, and I know he means boyfriends of such.

I sigh dramatically and look at the audience for a few moments before looking back at Caesar. ''I don't have a boyfriend if you mean that Caesar, but I do have my dear brother and sister-in-law. They both practically raised me, since our parents are both dead for 5 years now..'' My voice becomes a bit softer, my throat a bit thick, and I'm doing my best not to show that. ''And he means the world to me,'' I add with a cracked voice.

Caesar takes my hand and looks sadly at me, like he really feels sorry for me. ''Are you going to win for them, Lily?'' I nod, smiling a bit. ''Of course I will. I'm planning on going home and being a bridesmaid you know,'' I say, smiling my seductive smile to Caesar and the audience. My time is up, and I walk away, but not before waving and smiling at the audience and blowing them a hand kiss. I make them hysterical.

We are allowed to go to our room now since the interviews are over, so I quickly go to the lift, pressing the 12 button quickly because I see Hadrian walking towards me. I sigh relieved when I'm on my floor and flee to my room into my shower. I wash all the beauty off me, until all that is left is ordinary me. Just me, without the fancy clothing and the pretty and flawless hair and face. Just me.

I put on some black yoga pants and a loose sweater when I go to the dining room. Haymitch is waiting for me and smiles at me. ''You were great sweetheart,'' I smile back at him and stuff my plate with delicious and rich food. ''Tomorrow, don't go to the cornucopia. There might be weapons and food, but don't let it tempt you. It's a blood bath,'' he says seriously. I nod, actually pretty glad with the advice. ''Go look for water, water is from now on the most important thing in your life, okay?'' I nod again. I take ragged breath. ''Do you think I can win this, Haymitch?'' I ask shaking.

He frowns and thinks for a moment, but then answers; ''Yes.'' I look up at him. ''You do?'' He nods. ''You're a survivor, sweetheart,'' he says smiling half-heartedly. I nod and whisper a soft ''Thank you'' before dismissing myself and going to my room. I watch the sky turn darker and darker, dreading tomorrow.

I know sleep won't come tonight, so I decide to go to the roof. I look at the clock and see it's only 9 pm. When I enter the roof, I stop dead in my tracks. He is here. Of course he is.

He quickly turns around and he gasps a bit when he sees me. I don't pay any attention to him and walk over to the edge and look down at the partying people. ''Can't sleep?'' I shake my head and smirk. ''It's only 9 pm sweetheart,'' I say dully. He joins me and stands next to me, a bit too close for my taste. ''In the Arena, would you kill me?'' I look up at the unexpected question. ''I won't say I wouldn't,'' I answer truthfully. ''I wouldn't kill you,'' he replies back.

I look down at my hands, frowning. ''Hey, are you going to spend your last night depressed or something?" he asks jokingly. I shrug. ''Maybe.'' He suddenly takes my hand and turns me so we're face to face. ''Please.. please just be with me tonight like tomorrow doesn't exist,'' he begs me. I shake my head in confusion. ''But tomorrow _does_ exist,'' I reply quietly. ''This will just make it all more difficult.'' He shakes his head and cups my face. ''No, because I already told you I won't kill you,'' he states before kissing me on my lips again.

This kiss is much different than our other two we had before. This one is soft, lingering, and one that carefully asks for another one. It's getting cold on the roof, so I think about something. I know it's a stupid idea, but the part of my brain that would stop is in momentarily not available.

I take his hand and sneak him down to my level, looking out for other people, and then quickly take him to my room. I lock the door and turn around, seeing he has already taken a seat on my bed. I sit down beside him, and together we lay down. He rolls over to his side, facing me.

''You know, we both could die during these games. And if one of us wins, the other one will surely be death,'' he says bluntly. I nod. ''I know.''

He clears his throat and suggests something jaw dropping. ''I am almost a hundred percent sure we both are still pure and white, and, well.. Don't you want to do that before we probably die tomorrow?'' He asks, a bit unsure. I look at him with big eyes. I'm sure he means sex.

And to be honest, that was never really a thing in my mind to think about. ''Isn't that something you're supposed to do with someone you love?'' I ask carefully. He smiles wary. ''Don't you love me?'' he asks. And I know I do. I do love the boy from district 2, no matter how hard I try to deny it. He is dear to me and made his way into my head.

So instead of answering I pull him down and kiss him passionately. He breaks the kiss and looks at me, frowning, dazzled. ''Are you sure?'' he mutters. I nod and pull him back, before I regret my decision.

It's amazing, painful, intimate, and something I don't ever want to experience with somebody else.

An hour later we lay in my bed, as close as possible to each other, when his question he asked me earlier this night pops up in my head. _Would you kill me?_ ''No..'' I whisper. ''No, I wouldn't.'' He looks down at me and smiles, kissing my head.

A few minutes later he is gone and I'm left alone. Suddenly everything rains down on me. All the stress, anticipation, tension, emotions comes raining down on me. I remember how after we were just done he had whispered ''Your hair is beautiful.'' I scream, I yell till all the air is out of my lungs, my throat is soar, and the tears start running. I sob uncontrollable.

I get naked and go into the shower, washing, scrubbing, cleaning myself. My salt tears mix with the water. After that I get out and look at myself in the mirror.

I look at my hair. I don't want to go into the Arena like this, like me. They won't get me. The Capitol won't own me. I get a scissor and cut my hair , just above my shoulders. But when it will dry and the curls come back it will be even shorter. After I'm done I throw the scissor away and look in the mirror. I look like someone else. Someone stronger and fiercer. I crawl into my bed, not bothering to dress myself, and slowly drift off to sleep. The last thing on my mind is the thought I could be dead this time tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

I'm in the launch room, getting dressed in my Arena clothes. A dark green pants, black combat shoes, a black tank top, with a dark green jacket. ''What do you think?'' I ask Tatiana. ''I think you can expect cold,'' she says.

She hands me a glass of water and I drink it in tiny sips. I think back to the morning, where my prep team saw my short hair and almost fainted.  
They cut it a bit neater, and my backside is now a bit shorter than the front.

They made two little braids in the front and clipped it at the sides of my head, since my hair at the front is too short to pull back.

Suddenly, a voice announces we have 30 seconds to get into the tube that leads to the Arena. I start trembling, and Tatiana takes the water out of my hands and embraces me. ''I will see you after this, I have a gorgeous dress waiting for you,'' she whispers in my ear. I nod, not able to speak.

20 seconds. We say our last goodbyes, and I go into the tube. It encloses me and I start to feel claustrophobic, when I suddenly shoot up.

The sudden light temporary blinds me. I have exactly 60 seconds to adjust myself and figure out where to go. The cornucopia is right in front of me, left of me are the woods, behind me something jungle-like, and at my right, a large lake. Also there is a mountain right in front of me.

30 seconds. I inhale sharply when I see a beautiful crafted bow and matching sheath of arrows, just in front of an arrange of knives. And I want it so bad. I shake it out of my head, figuring I can make my own bow and arrows. Instead I focus on a little green backpack that could hold anything.

10 seconds. My feet are ready to run, my heart is racing, adrenaline pumping. 5.. 4.. I catch a glimpse of Hadrian.. 2.. 1.. We get released from our platforms and I launch forward to the back pack.

I strap it on my back and am about to run to the woods when my eyes fall on a lonely knife. I run to it and grab it, when somebody pulls my hair. I give the person a hit in the gut with my elbow and when I turn around I see it's the boy from 1. He glares at me and tries to hit me with his own knife. I duck and punch him in the genitals.

While he is distracted with his own pain I grab the knife out of his hand and quickly run away, looking back once, just to see Hadrian kill an innocent little girl.

My stomach turns around and I look forward again, running for my life.

When I'm deep in the woods' heart, I lean against a tree trunk, allowing myself a break. I stop for a few minutes, but move on again fast enough, looking for a water source. It doesn't take long before the scent of pond lilies tickles my nose, and I get lead into the direction of a beautiful little pond full of precious water and roots and fish, which means food.

I sit down and take my backpack, turning it inside out to see what's in it. Another knife, a smaller one though, an empty small water bottle, tablets to sterilize the water, and a small pack of crackers. It's not much, but it will do.

I fill the water bottle, crave a stick with a sharp point, and catch several fish. I look up and see it's still light, and the fighting is still going strong, so I make a little fire to make the fish on. I dig up some roots and have a delicious meal afterwards.

I wrap the fish in some leaves and put it in my backpack, extinguish the fire and go looking for a big tree. Soon enough I find one and climb several meters until I'm satisfied. Once I'm seated, I notice there is another little pocket in my backpack. I open it and see a long piece of rope, and I smile happily. This will get me some sleep tonight. I strap myself to the trunk of the tree and try to relax a bit.

I shoot up when the canons start firing. I count with them.. 10 deaths. Only half of us still alive. I wonder if my district partner is still alive, probably not. It gets dark very quickly, and the careers will be roaming the woods by now.

Suddenly I hear growls and screaming and I shoot up, knife ready, when I hear a canon getting fired. Mutts. 11 Deaths. The anthem of Panem plays, and the Fallen get shown in the air. They start with the boy from 3, girl from 4, both girl and boy from 5, both from 6, both from 8, one from 9, both from 10, and Cole from district 12. My district partner didn't make it.

I inhale with a thick throat and shake it off. I slowly drift off, though it's hard with the cold. I wake up early, trembling, but not because it's cold. The careers are just a few meters away killing an alliance. Two girls. Two cannons. Laughing. Hadrian's laughing. It's like a punch in the gut. How can someone who was so gentle with me just last night be so wicked? I hope, pray, beg they don't see me. And they don't, they move on. But the giant mutt birds above me do, and I'm faster on the ground than I have ever been, running for my life.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

I run for my life, waving my knife around, trying to hit the giant birds. They are pink, have long beaks and sharp claws.

I don't care if the careers see me, all I care about is getting away from these monstrous things. One mutt gets me off guard and scrapes my shoulder, leaving it to bleed and in excruciating pain. I roar and turn around, throwing my knife at the throat of the Mutt. Apparently I lost all the other ones while running. After it falls to the ground and gives a last twitch, I receive my knife and quickly walk away.

After I think I'm far away enough I take a look at my shoulder. My coat is ripped and blood is seeping out. I do an attempt to clean it with my sleeve but quickly dismiss it after it starts to hurt more. I grit my teeth and try to ignore the stinging pain.

I go look for some good wood to make a bow out of, but then remember I have no strings or whatsoever.

Suddenly, a silver parachute lands near me. I look at it in shock. A parachute! I got a parachute! I quickly open it and find some bandages and.. my heart skips a beat, strings. First I wrap my shoulder up in the bandage, and after that I spent my whole afternoon carving, bending, tightening my bow, and making arrows.

I braid a sheath out of branches and leafs. When I'm done, I look at it and suddenly feel a lot stronger. Let them come for me, let them have me. I'm armed now, and just as dangerous as they are. I walk carefully now, looking out for probable predators. Animal or tribute, I'm ready to kill.

Suddenly, I hear a voice scream. I look around me and see the boy from 4 is towering over a little girl, and piercing her body with his trident. I feel a bitter rage boiling up in me when he starts laughing at her trembling, tiny body. I get my bow and arrow ready, and shoot him through his ear, directly piercing his brains.

A canon shoots and I know it's his. I quickly get over to the girl and kneel beside her. I believe she is from 7. Her breathing is shallow and her eyelids flutter open and close. Her red hair has splatters of blood in it. ''Please..'' she says softly with a tiny voice. And I know what she wants me to do, what she means. I nod shortly and stand up, positioning myself over her with my bow and arrow, and shoot her through her heart. A canon is fired.

I close her eyes with my fingers and walk away. I clear my throat and take a deep breath, getting myself together. Two kills. One out of cold blood, one for mercy. And suddenly I know what to do. There is only one way to win this, eliminate everybody. And I'll do my best to kill everyone in the fastest way possible so they won't die slowly in the hands of the careers.

For the next few days I sit in trees, living of birds and rabbits and berries. In three days I have killed 3 kids.

It was very quickly, one arrow needed. I'm the silent shadow. It has been a few days now, and not much has happened. I have passed the transition to the jungle part, and I'm walking on a path made of rocks, close to a waterfall. It is much warmer in this part of the Arena than in the woods, so I take my coat off and put it in my backpack.

The trees here are much different, and the branches much more flexible. Suddenly, I get an idea for a weapon that in struggle with someone stronger than me could save my life. I cut off some of the flexible branches and take some strings and my smallest knife. I tie the knife around my ankle with one of the branches, take a more stiffer branch and put it somewhat on the edge of the top of the knife and let it stick out so when I push my other foot against it the knife will pop out.

After steadying it with some strings and other branches, I'm done and you can barely see it anymore. It walks a bit more uncomfortable, but who cares.

''Wandering on your own is dangerous, _12.''_ I quickly turn around and see the girl from 2, and as she stands before me, I suddenly remember her name. Marina. ''Could ask you the same, _2_'' I say, much braver than I feel.

I ready my bow and she ready's her machete. I shoot an arrow at her and hit her in her shoulder.

She roars and pulls it out, running to me. I drop my bow and arrow when she suddenly tackles me. She pulls my hair and I pull hers. We punch and bite. Suddenly, we're standing up and she pushes me against the wall with her arm on my throat. ''You know 12, I almost didn't recognize you without all your hair, but in the end, you're still the same little _bitch_,'' she breathes heavily.

I narrow my eyes and try to keep on breathing, but she is pushing against my throttle. Suddenly, she gets closer until her mouth nearly touches my ear, and whispers; ''He was never yours, 12, and he'll never be.'' A pang in my chest. Then she moves back and raises her machete, saying; ''There can only be one victor.''

''Yes,'' I reply, raising my left foot a bit and slamming my right foot against the little stick. ''And that will be me,'' I say coldly before kicking her in the gut with the knife. I pull my foot back and she stumbles backwards, holding the bleeding hole I left. Blood starts seeping out of her mouth. She lowers to the ground and lays down, rattling her blood.

I kneel beside her and bring my mouth to her ear, and whisper back; ''He may have never been mine, but he was sure as hell never yours.'' She shoots me one last glare before the light leaves her eyes and another cannon fires.


	7. Chapter 7

7.

I wipe the vomit from the corner of my mouth. I've been sick now on and off several mornings.

Luckily the sickness wears off at noon. I've probably just eaten some wrong things, though I doubt it. I've been hiding in a cave for the last several days, and it hasn't been that bad. The cave is settled behind a waterfall, so that's is perfect. I would've used trees, if all the trees in this part of the Arena weren't so bendy and weak. It has been quiet the whole day, so I'm roaming the jungle for some food since I'm running out.

The hunger is bad, but the thirst from a whole day not drinking is worst. I thought I could do the whole day with a half full bottle, but after vomiting it all out and feeling the need to dehydrate myself, the waters up. I find a patch of berries of what I recognize to be blueberries. But because of the thirst I misjudged it, and find these are a whole lot of different berries.

First everything is okay, but then suddenly I notice something is wrong. Very wrong. Everything starts to blur a bit, and I know I need to get to my cave quickly. I stumble across the jungle, bumping into trees and rocks, panic rising in my chest as my sight starts fluttering on and off.

I gladly hear the sound of water bouncing off rocks. I make my way, breathing heavily, near crying, when I can feel the wall of rock. Everything has gone completely black now, and I'm shuffling past the wall, until I'm at the mouth of the cave. I gladly go in and fall to the ground, desperately waving my hand in front of my face, trying to see anything, and trying to see the light. But I don't, and I know it will be this way for the next 18 hours.

I feel extremely vulnerable with my eye sight gone. I'll have to focus on my ears, but with only hearing I'll never know exactly who or what is standing where. I steady myself against the backside of the cave with my loaded bow in my hands. At some point I don't know if my eyes are open or not anymore.

I sit there for what it seems hours, when suddenly I hear movement. I shoot up, bow and arrow ready. ''Who are you?'' I snap. ''Hadrian.'' My gut turns around and I can feel a cold chill go through my spine.

I lower my aim and drop my head. Vulnerability is not my thing. I hear he walks towards me and sits down beside me. I keep my head low, not giving him the satisfaction to see my face. Maybe he doesn't know I'm temporarily blind yet. ''Allies?'' he asks. I shrug and mutter ''sure.'' Silence. ''You're not going to shake my hand?'' Damn it. I raise my head and stick my hand out. He takes it and we shake. Suddenly he inhales sharply. ''What happened to your eyes?'' he asks softly. I turn my head to where his voice is coming from and ask; ''What is it with my eyes?''

''They.. aren't green anymore, they're black. Pitch black.'' I gasp and close my eyes. My body starts trembling and I'm starting to feel nauseous. ''Berries. It were the berries. Capitol created berries,'' I explain. I can feel his arms embracing me, and for once I don't fight it. I crawl against him and bury my head in his chest.

''Don't let me die, please,'' I whisper. ''You know I won't,'' he whispers back in my hair. We sit there, together. Until a question pops up in my mind. ''The careers, they are not together anymore,'' I state. I can feel him shake his head. ''No, they're not. Broke up several days ago. Marina is dead, so is Blake,'' he mutters. I guess Blake is the district 4 guy. ''It was me,'' I say. ''I killed them both.'' He stiffens for a moment and then relaxes again. ''There can only be one winner in the end,'' he mumbles. I nod.

Suddenly he pushes me down so I'm lying on my back. ''Get some sleep, I'll stand guard.'' I nod and close my eyes, and drift off to sleep. When I awake and open my eyes, I squeal out of happiness. ''What is it?'' I hear the voice of Hadrian. I look at the source and vaguely see the outlines of his body. ''My sight,'' I say happy. ''It's almost back!''

Suddenly we hear hard footsteps nearing us. I can vaguely see Hadrian picking up his spear and walking to the entrance. Suddenly an even bigger person appears behind him and grabs him in a head lock. I grab my bow and arrow and aim at the blurry figures. ''Shoot!'' I hear the strangled voice of Hadrian. Panic rises. I can see them struggling. The other person is about half-a-head taller than him. I lock my aim, and release my arrow, hoping for the best. Both fall down and a cannon fires.

My heart is raging against my chest. ''Hadrian?'' I whisper. No answer. Both figures lay still. Oh no. Oh no no no no, I couldn't have possibly killed him.. I promised! ''Hadrian!'' It comes out as a strangled cry. My sight suddenly returns fully and I can now see it is the giant boy from 11. My arrow is still stuck in his head, and Hadrian lays unconscious beside him.

I quickly kneel beside him and slap his face. ''Hadrian, HADRIAN!'' I yell. His eyelids flutter open and he smiles weakly. ''Your eyes.. They're green again,'' he mumbles.

He probably has a slight concussion from the fall. I help him stand up and set him up against the back wall of the cave. Then I go back and drag the boy from 11 outside so they can receive him. I go back inside and settle myself beside Hadrian, receiving some left over roots and berries and two rabbit legs. We eat, drink water, and then I let him sleep.

I look down at his sleeping figure. He looks so in peace. I strike a lock of curling brown hair out of his face and smile. I close my eyes for a moment and sigh. Deep down I wish tomorrow would never come. But it will, and I dread the moment the sun will break through again.


	8. Chapter 8

8.

I've been awake all night, and the sun has just broken through when Hadrian awakes. He looks at me with sleep filled eyes and smiles a lousy smile.

You would almost forget everybody here is after our blood. ''Had a good sleep?'' He nods and sits, casually snaking his arm around my middle. I clear my throat and softly push the arm away. ''I think we deserve a bath of some sort, and it happens we're just behind a waterfall.'' He looks at me, grinning.

''Brilliant plan!'' he exclaims. I nod and stand up. ''I'll go first so you can stand guard, see you in a few minutes,'' I say before walking off.

I take my roll of bandage with me and my knife. When I'm out side of the cave, I first check if I can hear or see someone. My eyes fall on a puddle of blood, caused by the 11 boy. I shiver when I think back about it.

I undress myself, neatly folding all my clothing so I can easily put it back on again, my underwear on top. I grit my teeth and get the old bandage off my shoulder. It hasn't healed fully yet, and it's still sensitive. I wrap some bandage around my upper leg and stick my knife in it, so I'll still have a weapon.

Then, I go deeper into the fresh water of the waterfall and sigh happily, floating on my back and swimming some laps. I thoroughly clean my shoulder wound, and put some new and clean bandage on it. I comb my fingers through my hair.

I suddenly feel a sense of panic when I feel how short my hair is, but I quickly recover. Throughout the Games I've lost the little clips that held the sides of my hair back, so now it just kind of hangs loosely. It kind of annoys me because the hair keeps on getting In my face.

Finally I get up and sit on the rocks, drying myself in the sun. Suddenly I can sense movement behind me and quickly turn around, knife ready. I scowl at a laughing Hadrian. ''Sorry I made you jump, just came to look what took so long.'' I roll with my eyes and turn around again, sitting back in my previous pose. I can feel his eyes burn on my skin but I couldn't care less. I get my knife out of the my ankle holder and clean the dried up blood off it.

I slowly begin to dress again, my back still turned to Hadrian. When I'm fully clothed again, I turn around to get my bow and gasp. Hadrian is already mid-waist in the water, grinning at me. I scowl at him and receive my bow and arrows, and take a seat, ignoring him. ''I'm done.'' I look behind me and see he is fully dressed again. ''Good,'' I say simply and turn back again.

''You think we should hunt for food or tributes?'' My posture stiffens. ''I don't go hunting for tributes, as you put it. You can do that on your own,'' I snap.

Stupid career. I stand up and angrily walk away. ''Where are you going?'' He calls after me. ''Hunting,'' I reply without looking back. I skim the woods for animals. In an hour I have shot 3 weird looking birds.

''Well, well. Hadrian was right when he said he would find you.'' I quickly look up to meet the eyes of the district 1 girl. Diamond. I keep my bow ready, she keeps her knives ready. ''What do you mean?'' I ask with narrowed eyes. She smiles sweetly. ''Oh, just ask him yourself darling, he is right behind you.'' I quickly look behind, and see Hadrian with shocked eyes, spear ready.

''This was just a trick?'' I say softly, voice close to trembling. ''No! It wasn't I..'' But Diamond laughs through it. ''Oh come on Hadrian, don't lie to the poor girl, it will just make her death more.. bitter,'' she says with a devilish grin.

I inhale sharply and glare at Hadrian, hatred, anger, bitterness, betrayal rising in me.. ''I hate you,'' I whisper to him, and I see the shock registering on his face. ''I loathe you and I wish I had never met you.'' He pulls a pained face, but I don't believe it anymore.

Diamond is laughing away, enjoying the moment, so she doesn't pay attention and I shoot her through the heart. I quickly run away to the cave. When I get there, I collect all my stuff and all the food, and run away. Back to the woods. I fall several times because of the speed I'm running at.

When I reach my dear forest, I plunge down against a tree and let my head fall down in my hands. The tears slowly start flowing, and I just don't care anymore. Let them find me. I will kill them heartlessly. I would kill Hadrian, without thinking twice.

I climb in a tree and fasten myself. It doesn't take me long to fall asleep, in a world kinder than this one.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N **_I suggest you listen to Kingdom Come by The Civil Wars  
Es__pecially the last part :)  
ENJOY_

9.

I wake up, my muscles soar. I feel the nausea coming up so I quickly lean away from my branch and vomit.

With an unpleasant splash it hits the ground. I unfasten myself and climb down. I take little sips of my water and eat some crackers to fill my stomach. I start walking again, my bow ready to shoot at any time.

It were a few busy days. Four of us are left now. Me, Hadrian, Valentine the District 1 guy and the girl from 4. It has become colder with the day in the Arena, and I'm trembling. Every night when I fall asleep I'm afraid I'll freeze to death. That would be even worse, even more humiliating than just getting killed with a knife to the throat. Or a spear to the heart. Or a sword to the head.

I sit down against a tree trunk and sigh, letting my head lean back. Four of us left. Three away from winning. I wonder what will happen when I end up in the finale with Hadrian.. I shiver at the thought and quickly dismiss it. I slowly unwrap my shoulder and see it has healed beautifully. Just to be sure, I take some fresh bandage and wrap it in again. The weather has changed, and it's a bit windy now.

I comb my hair with my fingers, lost in my thoughts. I could go home, I really could go home.. But what will home be with all this blood on my hands? With red painted faces and bodies crawling and haunting through my mind? I shake it away. My hair is curly and it has grown a bit. Now it just passes my shoulders. I get up and start walking again, bow ready. Suddenly, a soul wrenching scream occurs. And it doesn't take me long to recognize that voice. It's Hadrian's.

Even though I said I hated him, even though my mind tells me not to, I run as if it's my own life that is hanging by a thread. Suddenly, an unnaturally hard wind occurs that blows me the opposite way.

First I try to keep on walking, but I only go backwards. I quickly cling to a tree, my hair blowing everywhere. Then, I drop to the ground and start crawling as fast as I can. I cut myself at multiple little sticks and rocks, but I don't care. I reach an open place.

The wind suddenly lays down and I quickly stand up. I now see I broke my own bow in my hurry. I'm just in time to see the sword piercing Hadrian's body.

I quickly get one of my knives and throw it at Valentine. He looks around just when my knife hit's his right arm. He roars and pulls it out. I feel angry, so angry. Maybe he sees the danger in my eyes, because he runs away. _See you in the finale,_ I think.

Then my attention turns to Hadrian and plunge down by his side. I grab his face with my hands, forcing him to look at me. Panic rises in my chest. ''Hadrian, HADRIAN! Stay awake! Stay alive!'' He looks at me with dull eyes, and smiles. But that smile quickly turns into a grimace. ''Did you mean it?'' he asks quietly. ''Did you mean it when you said you hate me?''

Tears are slowly filling up my eyes while he is slowly dying in my hands. ''No, no of course not,'' I whisper. He nods and smiles again. ''Good..'' his face turns into a pained expression. ''It hurts so much,'' he says with such a tiny and child-like voice it breaks my heart and pushes me over the edge. Tears are freely streaming down my cheeks now.

He frowns. ''Don't cry, I don't want to remember your pretty green eyes to be red and watery..'' I glare madly at him. ''You won't! You'll live, Hadrian! You saved me, and now I'll save you,'' I say with a raw edge on my voice.

He shakes his head. ''Only one Victor, remember? I need you to be that Victor, Lily. I need you to be that Victor!'' he says stern and powerful. I shake my head. ''No, I won't let you die.. I won't.. I won't.. Kill you,'' the words barely leave my lips and it's more like a very soft whisper, raw with emotion.

His eyes widen and he looks sadly at me. ''You won't kill me, Lils,'' he brings his hand up and strokes my wet cheek.  
Suddenly the song _The Hanging Tree_ comes to my mind. My brother and I used to sing this in the woods. Just now I understand the meaning, and I know what to do. I can't let him live.

''Wait,'' I say quietly and I stand up. I go to a berry patch I walked by a few days ago. I pluck some berries and carefully twist it around between my fingers. _Nightlock._

I run back to Hadrian and kneel down beside him. I move him so he is lying with his head in my lap. I slowly stroke his face. ''I have something. You eat these berries, and you'll be gone in a few seconds. They won't get to see you in pain, Hadrian. I won't let them,'' I say, my voice close to cracking.

He nods slowly and sighs, closing his eyes. ''When I'm gone, you need to run. Run for your life. You're already my Victor anyway. Promise me you'll win?'' ''Yes,'' I choke out. ''I will.'' I lay my head down on his chest, listening to his slowing heartbeat. ''You're a fighter,'' he whispers. I can see tears streaming out of the corners of his eyes. ''I still remember when I first saw you,'' he is now clearly crying, his voice trembling and cracking.

''You were naked, but all I noticed were your eyes. And with the trainings, you just intrigued me. And the interviews.. I never saw someone s-so..'' his voice breaks down and he needs a moment to regain himself. ''So beautiful,'' he finishes whispering.

I'm sobbing now, making his shirt wet. ''I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..'' I whisper crying. ''Me too..'' I get up and look at his tear stained face and pained expression. ''I think.. I think it's time,'' I bring out. He nods and opens his eyes. His beautiful grey eyes, which once hold so much passion and life. Now they are filled with tears, pain, and.. Love.

I take one of the berries and bring it to his mouth, my hand trembling. He grabs my hand with his, and looks at me. ''I want you to be the last thing I see,'' he says firmly. I nod. Before I put the berry in his mouth I bend and whisper in his ear; ''I love you. I always did, and I'm sorry for denying it.'' I get up again and he smiles wary. ''Thank you,'' he whispers.

And I put the berry in his mouth. And this thank you meant so much more. It meant thank you for the last days, thank you for coming, thank you for loving me, thank you for saving me. I furiously keep on staring in his eyes, until the soft heartbeat I felt under my shaking hand stops, and his eyes are nothing more than staring objects. A canon fires.

I start to sob uncontrollably, burying my face in his chest.  
''No!'' It comes out as a horrid cry. I softly close his eyes and give a last kiss on the head.

He has no backpack with him. Probably lost it somewhere. I give him one last salute. I press the three middle fingers of my left hand against my lips and hold it out to him.

Then I quickly turn around and run away as he said. I keep running until my legs are numb. I climb into the tree and strap myself in. Another canon suddenly fires, which means only one thing. Tomorrow will be the finale. Tomorrow it will be finally over.

Dead or alive, one way or another; it will be over. And Hadrian will be waiting for me. When I win he'll just have to wait a bit longer.


	10. Chapter 10

10.

I wake up and quickly get my things together. Today is the finale, and I'm ready. I will break him. I will make him bleed. I will let him suffer.

Yesterday evening when I saw Hadrian's photo in the sky, I lost myself in my own sobbing. I climb down and go looking for some good wood, since I broke my bow yesterday. Suddenly, I hear a rustle beside me. I quickly get my knife and throw it while turning around. It hits the silver parachute in the center and makes it hang against the tree.  
I walk over and notice it is quite a big container. I quickly open it and gasp. My heart starts beating rapidly as I receive my presents.  
I got a beautifully crafted bow with a matching sheath of arrows, both a deep and dangerous black.

I smile softly when I see it shimmers slightly. It reminds me of my interview, which feels like a lifetime ago.  
I look in the container for the second time and notice two different things.

The first thing is a rubber band for my hair, and the second thing is a replica of my self-made ankle weapon, but made of steel and much more high-tech.  
I quickly fix my hair up in a ponytail, and fix the weapon on my ankle. I caress my beautiful brand new bow and arrows, and do some test-shooting.

It fits me perfectly. I look up to the sky, smiling. Surely there must be a camera fixed on me. ''Thank you,'' I whisper.

I decide to walk. I drink and some on my way. I'm going to the open field at the cornucopia to get this over with. I'm ready.  
When I get there, I look around me, waiting.

Suddenly I hear movement behind me and quickly turn around, just in time to dodge the deadly knife that was going for my head. Valentine is standing before me, and I can tell his arm is still sore. He also has a cut on his forehead.  
I quickly raise my bow and shoot an arrow at his head, but he dodges and comes running to me.

He tackles, but luckily I had my bow in a tight grip. I hit him on the jaw with my bow and he rolls off me, which gives me the time to stand up and get another arrow ready. I shoot but only hit his shoulder.

He pulls the arrow out and roars, running at me again, tackling me to the ground. The hit makes me see stars, but I quickly regain myself. He takes a knife –my knife- and sets it at my throat.

''Still mourning for your little pathetic boyfriend?'' he asks. He looks crazy. I narrow my eyes and try to escape, but he has pinned me down good. ''He was _not_ pathetic!'' I spit at him.

He laughs, and I'm in shortage of air. I feel the pressure of the knife on my throat.. ''He is dead, _Lily._ Just like you'll be in a few seconds. Tell me, how does it feel to be at the end of the road? To be a loser? I wouldn't know, I _always_ win.''

He makes me so mad, so furious. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my body. And with a strength I never knew I possessed, I shove him off my and role away, and quickly get up.

Valentine is still shocked by how this happened, and with a roar I grab his shirt and slam him against the Cornucopia.  
His face darkens and he slams my hands away, punching me in the face.  
I hear a _crack_ and my nose starts bleeding. I turn around, just in time to dodge a fatal hit of his sword.

Instead he slices my upper leg and I moan in pain. I look up at him in rage and quickly throw one of my knifes at him.  
He dodges but not before I hit his cheek, and blood comes rushing out.

Suddenly he grabs the front side of my shirt and pushes me against the cornucopia.  
I flail beneath him, trying to get myself out of his grasp, but he is too strong. ''You. Made. Me. BLEED!'' He yells angrily in my face. ''YOU KILLED A PART OF ME!'' I scream back, and I furiously spit in his face and bite in his hand. He roars and slams me against the Cornucopia.

The bang makes me light headed and lets me give out a little cry of pain. As try to regain myself, I can see him take his sword. I gasp and try even harder to escape. ''NO!'' I scream, as he raises his sword. He lightly slices my neck at the side, but I'm just in time.

I kick against the little button and a razor sharp knife shoots out, at the heel of my foot, and I kick him in the chest, turning my foot around, and quickly get my foot back. I slam the little button again and the knife shoots back. He stumbles backwards, looking at me, unbelieving.

I walk up to him, putting pressure on the cut in my neck, because it is flowing freely now.

I push him to the ground and sit on top of him, bringing my mouth to his ear, but not before I've kicked away all his weapons. ''This is how it ends, Valentine. Only one will live, and as you see, that will be me. I win. You lose.'' I pull back again and see him glaring at me.

His mouth is full of blood. Suddenly, he grins devilishly. ''Oh no, I'm the winner here. How will you live with the fact that your little boyfriend is dead?'' My face expresses pure furiousness. ''Better now I know I'm going to avenge him,'' I say with clenched teeth.

I pull out my last knife, and put it to his chest. But unlike my other kills, I won't do this quick and painlessly.  
No. I will make him suffer. So I take my time, slowly punctuating his chest. His face tightens from the pain, just like his muscles.  
I slowly penetrate his body with my blade, tearing his flesh apart, letting the blood slowly and silently seep out.

He groans from the pain, and I smile a wicked grin. ''You see, Valentine,'' I say softly while turning my knife around in his chest, forcing tears out of his eyes. How hard he is trying to keep it together. ''I do win,'' and I give the last few deadly inches in.

A canon fires. I stand up, noticing I'm getting light headed from all the blood loss.  
I jump up when a voice comes out of nowhere.  
''_Ladies and gentlemen, I present you, the Victor of the 58__th__ Hunger Games, Lily-May Everdeen from District 12!_''  
I close my eyes and let out some tears of relief. It's over. It is finally over.  
I grab the ladder from the hovercraft above me that appeared out of nowhere and hold it. When I'm inside, everything turns black and I faint.

When I wake up, I'm lying in a soft and white bed. I feel my wounded shoulder, but find it all healed up.

I follow the paths of my body, naturally going to the wounded areas, but I find nothing. Not even the scars from hunting. They're all gone. I sit up in my bed and look around me, hoping to see if there is food somewhere. Instead, I find Haymitch sititing in a corner of my room on a chair.

He looks sober and fresh and happy. He quickly gets up and kisses me on the top of my head. ''Well done sweetheart, well done.'' I smile too. ''All because of the sponsors you got me.. How did you get them anyway?'' I ask curiously. ''After the District 2 boy died, they directed all his sponsor money to you,'' he says smiling.

I feel my already broken heart crack a bit more and give him a wary smile. ''Good.'' Suddenly, his expression turns serious. He sits down on the bed, and grabs my hand softly. ''Lily.. There is something I need to tell you.'' My heart starts to race, just like my thoughts.

Jack can't be dead, Mary can't be dead either.. ''What is it?'' I ask him, urgency in my voice. He sighs deeply and looks me right in the eyes, a sad look In his grey eyes. ''When they were fixing you, they.. we thought back, to the Games. How you acted. What you did. And on note of these things.. We.. run a test.'' My eyes widen. ''A test?'' He nods. ''A pregnancy test.''

My little pieces of shattered heart drop dead to the ground. ''And?'' I ask with a hollow voice, but I already know the answer before he says It out loud. ''It came out positive.''


	11. Chapter 11

11.

I get small courses of food. I stay in bed and do absolutely no attempt to get up and walk around. Of course there are the regular tests to check on the baby. My baby.. It is still weird and horrible.

I feel no joy whatsoever, since this child will forever remind me of Hadrian and the Games.

An Avox comes in to retrieve my empty plate, and points to the door. She probably means I have to go the other room. I slowly stand up and make my way to the so called living room, and Suzette embraces me tightly. ''We finally have a winner! Finally a victor!'' she says happily. She releases me and I look over her shoulder, to Haymitch. He looks pretty happy, and groomed as well.

He seems to be rather fit. He walks to me and embraces me too. Then he lets me go and walks me to a lift. ''You go in here, it'll take you to the lobby of the Trainings Center. Tatiana will be waiting there for you,'' he tells me. I nod and get in.

In a few seconds I'm already up. I walk out, and Tatiana hugs me. ''You brave, brave, wonderful woman,'' she mumbles in my ear.  
I smile a bit. She takes me to the prep team. I willingly lay down as they start plucking and scraping my body, and comb my hair.

When they're done, I get up and go to another room where Tatiana is waiting for me with my dress. She gives it to me and I put it up. Only then I notice how thin I am, I'm almost skin and bones.

But there is extra padding in the dress and it isn't skin tight. I put it on, and Tatiana starts doing my make-up. When she is done I look in the mirror, and find the person standing there making me speechless.

I'm wearing a white dress which seems to be flowing. It just reaches my knees.  
The dress is strapless, just like my interview dress, but this time I don't look charming or dangerous.. No, I look harmless and endearing.

My make-up is done lightly. My eyelids are colored with a bit of shimmering white, and my lips are just one shade darker than normally.  
My hair is down, held back at one side with a white pin, a lily, and curls slightly over my shoulders. My hollow cheeks don't seem to be hollow anymore. I look fit and alive. My shoes are flat and white too. I look like an angel. I turn around to Tatiana and give her a little smile. ''Thank you,'' I whisper.

She nods smiling. She leads me to the platform under the stage where I wait 'till I get lifted up.

My stomach is twisting and turning and my chest tightens in anticipation. I will get to relive the Games in just a few seconds.  
The anthem starts playing, and when it's over I get lifted up. An ear throbbing explosion of cheers erupts.

I smile wary and wave at them. Caesar is waiting for me and I gladly walk to the chair that is set for me. He welcomes me and holds my hand up, yelling; ''Lily-May Everdeen, everybody!'' Another explosion of cheers. When it has settled down a bit, the screen turns on and we get to watch the recap of the Games.

He asks me questions about how I felt in those particular moments, and I try to answer them as good as possible. My chest tightens when we come to the part where Hadrian dies. They don't show the whole thing, and I happen to just feel numb. Caesar takes my hand and gives me a sad look. ''You really seemed to care for him,'' he says. I nod. ''Yes,'' I say quietly. We move on and we finally reach the end, the finale.

We talk about how I felt being the Victor.  
''I.. I was just glad it was over, to be honest. I was happy to be going home, finally,'' I tell him. He nods and a minute later I'm getting crowned by president Snow. His snake eyes look at me as if I'm poisonous. ''Congratulations, miss Everdeen,'' he says.

His look drifts off to my belly and up again. I stiffen and my muscles tense. ''Thank you,'' I say softly. He knows. He knows I'm pregnant, and definitely from who. I get back to my room, change, shower, and cry myself to sleep, cursing the child growing in me.

The next day I get arranged for our trip home. I sit near the window, looking at the different kinds of land flashing by, trying my hardest not to cry. Snow knows, and I'm sure he isn't pleased. Haymitch told me too. I screwed up, and now my unborn child and innocent brother will pay for my own stupid fault.

Because that was what it was.. right? A mistake. I big, stupid mistake. How could I be so stupid to give in?  
My head tried to stop me, but my heart, aching for someone to love and desire me, gave in way too easily. And now I'm left with more pain than I went in with.

We arrive at our train station. I'm wearing a light green soft dress and my hair is in a tiny braid. When I arrive, the first people I notice are my brother, Mary and.. I gasp, but then smile widely. A baby. Their baby. I'm sure they'll tell me everything, and I long for it.

A hour later I'm finally home. Well.. In my new home where all the Victors live. Jack and Mary and the baby are there too. They tell me everything, how they first didn't even know Mary was pregnant because she didn't really show, but Mary says such things do happen in several cases. When I was in the Arena for two days little Katniss Everdeen was born. I get to hold her and fall in love in an instant.

She looks so much like Jack, though Jack and Mary tell me she reminds them of me. They also told me that was what got them through most of the Games. She has dark brown hair and grey eyes. She is beautiful, though.

She makes me wonder what my child will look like, and the warm feeling Katniss gives me only makes me think about the feeling it will give me to hold my own daughter or son.

We all stay in my house and have a rich feast with a lot of food. It's brilliant to be home, until suddenly the subject changes at the table. ''Lily.. I need to ask you something,'' Mary says carefully. I nod. ''Well.. several things happened during the Games, and I noticed some things and..'' she takes a deep breath and looks me dead in the eye. ''Lily, are you pregnant?'' I draw in a huge amount of air.

I feel the pressure behind my eyes that gives me the warning signal that I'm in real danger of crying now.  
I nod again. Mary her eyes fill with sadness and sympathy and pity for me. ''It is the boy from 2, isn't it?'' she asks me softly. I look down at my hands, salty drops of water dripping from my eyes. Yes. It is.


	12. Chapter 12

12.

The days go buy in a slumber, and my belly grows with the weeks. It is Jack that stimulates me and encourages me to go outside, walk around, to stay alive.

I rub the little baby bump mindlessly while staring outside. It is quite a lovely weather, rather hot. I prefer to stay inside. On a normal day a long time ago I would've gone outside to hunt and gather. I sigh and decide to bring a little visit to Haymitch. I haven't seen him since the Games.

I walk over to him, my eye falling on the primroses I planted in the first week I got home. I remember crying afterwards. But to be honest, crying became a routine. Every night when I go to sleep, the faces of the tributes I killed haunt me. And other nights I dream about Hadrian, out of my reach, disappearing.

These are the dreams I wake up from, screaming, crying for my mother. Just to break down a few seconds later, remembering she is gone too. Luckily, Jack and Mary have been taking care of me. Mary usually comes around every week, checking up on me, seeing how my baby is doing.

I look up and see I'm already in front of Haymitch's door. I give three hard knocks, and it takes a while before he opens the door. He smiles when he sees me. ''Hello there sweetheart, haven't seen you in a long time. How come you felt the need to visit me?'' he asks.

He looks better than he did in the last couple of years. I shrug and smile at him. ''Haven't seen you in a long time, and after all I owe it to you I'm still alive. Have a walk with me?'' I ask. He nods and together we walk.

I'm wearing a comfortable long dress. He looks down at my baby bump and smiles lightly, but then the smiles fades. I know what he's thinking. I've been thinking the same since I found out. ''He is going to take it out on her, or him, isn't he?'' I ask softly, my eyes finding the ground. ''Yes, I think so,'' he mutters. I look up to him. ''Haymitch.. How did he punish you? With the force field?'' He looks at me, surprised I remember. Then his face hardens. ''My mother, little brother and my girl.'' I nod. ''Oh.''

I take his hand and give it a soft squeeze, and let go. ''Thank you,'' he mumbles.  
We enter the square and decide to visit the bakery. We both buy a little piece of bread and eat it slowly while enjoying the sun. ''How is your new life?'' he asks my dryly. I shrug. ''It's.. okay,'' I answer stiffly. Suddenly he laughs really hard. ''We both know that isn't true. We're both screwed up,'' he says snorting. I laugh too and nod. ''Totally right.''

We stay silent for a while, enjoying the warmth that the sun brings us.  
''What do you think it will be?'' he asks me, pointing at my belly.  
I smile and look down, rubbing it. ''I don't care, as long as it's healthy.. And safe,'' I add softly. I look up and see Haymitch his face stands somber. ''Do you think she would be safer in another family? Let her get adopted?'' I ask. He shakes his head. ''They'll find out anyway, sweetheart. No point in hiding her, would only cause more deaths.'' I nod.

I sigh, and give him a pat on the arm. ''I'm going to drop by my sister,'' I announce. He raises his eyebrows. ''I thought you only had a brother?'' he asks me. I nod and smile. ''Yes, that's, true,'' and I walk away.

When I reach their house I see Mary sitting outside with Katniss. I smile and quickly go to them. Katniss looks up at me and smiles her teethless smile. ''Do you want to hold her?'' Mary asks me. I nod and carefully take her in my arms. She has grown the last few months, and you can see that they were a bit right. We do look alike indeed.

''Hello Katniss,'' I mutter softly. She purrs happy and makes little baby sounds. It warms my heart and makes me smile widely.  
''Can you imagine, in a few months you'll be holding one of your own?'' Mary asks.

I think for a moment and then nod. ''I actually do, but..'' My face drops. ''I'm.. a bit scared, to be honest. I'll be on my own at night, and what if something happens..'' Mary shushes me and stands up, placing her hand on my cheek. ''You can always call me and.. And you're strong, Lily. You are one of the strongest girl I've ever met,'' she soothes me.

I nod and stare at the ground. ''You're right, it's foolish I'm scared over something so tiny,'' I mumble. Mary shakes her head. ''It isn't, it is perfectly normal!'' she says reassuring. I nod. I hand Katniss over and give them both a kiss goodbye. ''See you tomorrow,'' I say before leaving.

When I'm home, I slowly sit down on my couch and look around me. The first thing I notice is the picture on a little side table. It's a picture of a happy little family. A small, innocent, little girl, a smiling and happy boy, a loving and blissful mother, and a proud and strong father.

Who knew a few years later all that would be left was a dead man, a starved mother, a sad little boy, and a broken little girl, who both grew up way too fast.

I shake it away, but another little sting in my heart, when I think about how that picture will never be me. My family will exist of me and my child. Period.  
I inhale and exhale deeply, and smile.

It won't be that bad. Because we will love each other, and I will protect her with my life. She'll grow up in a loving scenery, playing with her niece Katniss. And together with Jack we will teach them how to hunt. Yes, I think smiling. This isn't that bad. Not bad at all. I lay down on the couch, smiling, and fall asleep, the last thing on my mind my happy little family, with Hadrian watching over us.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Hey guys! I would like to know what you think of it so far :)  
I would appreciate it!**

13.

The air is getting cooler as my belly keeps growing. I'm about 6 months gone now, and in two moths we'll have the Victory tour.

Since nobody knows about my pregnancy yet at the Capitol, this will come s a big surprise. All I want to do right now is hunting. At least just go out in the woods!

But Jack and Mary won't let me, and I've been stuck in here for way too long. I dress myself on some good clothes and put on my supple leather hunting booths with my hunting coat. I quickly make my way to the meadow and go under the fence, retrieving my bow and arrows.

I sniff in the cool and fresh air, and for the first time in ages, I come up with a genuine smile. I take on my slow hunting pace, bow and arrow ready. I hear a branch snap behind me and it takes me less than a second to turn around, arrow fired. I've shot a wild dog, but there are more coming. I take the nearest tree and climb as far up as I can. I think I spend an hour or so in that tree, taking out several dogs, before they move on.

I decide to stay put in the tree and just look at the birds flying by, occasionally taking a few out. Suddenly, drowsiness takes over and I can feel myself slipping into unconsciousness. It is the air getting hit out of me that wakes me up.

I struggle to regain my breath, hopelessly thrashing on the ground, trying to overcome the stinging pain in my airless lungs. I sit up, coughing and taking in precious air, clutching my belly. Suddenly, pain sets in my stomach.

I groan and realize I need to get to Mary as quickly as possible. When I try to stand up, I just manage to make it to my feet when I fall down again. I have cursed this baby to death, that maybe faith decided to really let it die. Only I don't want it to die. Not anymore. I crawl to the fence, leaving my bow and arrows under a bush, reminding myself to tell Jack where they are and to retrieve the dead dogs and birds as well. I'm just a few meters in the meadow when I fall to the ground again, overcome with pain. A silent tear runs down my cheek while I try to compose myself into standing up again.

After a while the pain lessens and I quickly stand up, speed walking to Mary when I bump into a peacekeeper. I draw in a sharp breath as he looks at me with cold eyes. Well.. A cold eye. He is missing his left eye and wears a patch over it.

In secret I always call him the pirate-puppet of the Capitol. ''Miss Everdeen, better watch where you're going.. Where did you even come from?'' he asks me coldly, meaning if I did some hunting. Of course I did, no need for him to know. Luckily I don't have those dogs with me. ''Actually, I'm heading to my brother's house,'' I say, only not as stern and steady as I wanted to. He nods. ''Don't let me see you wander around here again, you being a victor doesn't change a thing about the.. punishments,'' he says. I nod, as I can almost recall the whip hitting my back again after he caught me with two dead squirrels.

I quickly walk away to Mary, clenching my stomach with my hands. Luckily, she sees me coming and half an hour later we're already drinking tea. My baby is safe.

''How did you guys actually came up with Katniss her name?'' I ask, curiously. Mary smiles. ''Jack really liked it, so we went with that.'' I nod and down my last bit of tea. I ruffle Katniss her brown hair, say goodbye and go outside again.

When I come home, I instantly notice something. I quickly go upstairs, and crash into a room where I was planning to make the baby room. I inhale sharply and cover my wide open mouth with my hand. The room is fully decorated with furniture, including a little crib, and on the small wooden closet, stands a perfect white rose, the scent filling the room. I start to gag, and not just because of the rose. But because of the person that brought it here. I walk over to the rose, carefully picking it up, when I notice the small card on the side with a neat handwritten message on it.

_Dearest Miss Everdeen,_

_Once again, congratulations with your pregnancy._  
_I ordered my people to ready the nursery._  
_I hope you appreciate the effort._  
_Enjoy the time you'll have with your child._

_President Snow, Capitol._

My blood has run cold and I believe I'm hyperventilating. My hands are shaking as I reread it. _Enjoy the time you'll have you with your child._  
I run outside to Haymitch his house and burst through his front door, not bothering to politely knock. He is sleeping at his dining table so I shrug him awake. Startled he looks up to me. ''What are you doing here?'' he asks frowning. I hand him the letter with trembling hands. He takes it and quickly reads it, his face getting pale as he does.

''Oh no..'' he mutters. I plunge into one of his chairs and bury my face in my hands.

I feel his hand on my shoulder. He must've stand up. ''I just don't know what to do,'' I say to the insides of my hands. "Lily, there is nothing you can do,'' he says quietly.  
"I know,'' I whisper back. I look up from my hands and look over my shoulder, into the concerned grey eyes of Haymitch.  
I know I won't sleep tonight. Not really. Haunted with nightmares. ''Can I stay here tonight?'' I ask him quietly. He nods and gives me a sad little smile. ''You know I don't sleep at night anyway.'' I nod and give him a smile back. ''Yes, I know.''

We spend the night in the living room, Haymitch in a big comfortable chair, me laying on the couch, dropping in and out of consciousness, in and out of nightmares. Good thing he wakes me up every time I get one. In between we talk, laugh, cry.

I never had friends other than my brother or Mary. But as I'm slipping into unconsciousness again, I smile at the thought that Haymitch probably truly is my first friend.


	14. Chapter 14

14.

There is this thing, that when you share a experience with someone, you bond faster. This is exactly how it went with me and Haymitch. We made it a thing, going to the others house when having trouble sleeping or having a nightmare, which was almost every night. That sort of creates a connection. The cold has set in, so I'm huddled in a warm and big coat. I let out a agitated huff. Everything seems so small on me since my belly has taken slightly gigantic proportions. I go outside, planning on visiting Jack. He finally has a day off of the mines.  
I just make it to the house when snow starts falling. ''Jack,'' I chirp happily as he embraces me tightly. ''Lims! I missed you!'' I laugh when he lets me go and carefully pats my bump. ''How are you hanging?'' he asks concerned. I shrug and give him a halfhearted smile. ''Doing fine Jack, really, living the victor's life.'' I can see he knows I'm lying, but he doesn't go on about it. Instead we talk about the upcoming Victory Tour. ''Excited?'' he asks.  
I shake my head. ''Absolutely not. Wish I could just leave it all behind me, you know..'' I take a shuddery breath and massage my temples. Jack starts to massage my shoulders. ''You'll be all right, and besides, you have your mentor to pull you through.'' A little smile breaks through. Yes, I have Haymitch at all times by my side, luckily. Suddenly my brother sits opposite of me, looking at me with a strange expression. ''What?'' I ask. He takes his tame before talking. ''You and your mentor.. You spend a lot of time together.. Are you two..?'' I shoot straight up and laugh, shaking my head. ''No. NO! Idiot, we just pull each other through. And besides, I'm still mourning Hadrian,'' I say shrugging, feeling the little pang in my heart as I speak his name out loud. His eyebrows raise in question at the name, and I quickly wave it away. ''Baby's father,'' I mutter. He nods and frowns again. I slam my hands on the table and stand up. ''I remember I still need to ready a few things before I leave in two days. I'll see you after,'' I say, giving him a kiss on the cheek. ''Be careful!'' he shouts after me. A grimace creeps on my face. Good thing to tell a victor. I knock hard on Haymitch's door. It takes a while for him to open it, but I immediately know something is going on. He still can't handle it. The liquor is lingering on his breath and a track of spit crawls down his chin. I slam the door shot in his face and walk back to my house. I fall back on my bed, and crush my eyes with my hands, until little figures start dancing before my eyes. This is hopeless. My life is hopeless. My baby is hopeless. I winch when I can feel it moving in me, kicking. It frightens me every time. I stay still until it stops. Then I slowly drift off to sleep, hoping tomorrow will be better. But it won't. Tomorrow will never be better. My life will be a spiral of misery. I wake up to the faces of my prep team, looking shocked at my big belly. Apparently I mistook in one day. They quickly take out my dresses. They put a big long dress and big coat on my since it's nearly freezing outside. They leave my hair, which has grown fairly now, hanging down and silk it down. They apply little make up. Then we get hurried to the train, where Suzette waits for me. Together with a drunk Haymitch.  
''We're on a tight schedule, tomorrow we'll arrive in District 11 where it will be much warmer, so you'll get to wear light clothing,'' Suzette says happily, patting on my baby bump. I nod stiffly as I sit there, looking out the window, absently nibbling on a biscuit. Many landscaped go buy, but I don't pay attention. I'm thinking about how I'll safe the Districts whom I killed the children from. It hasn't even started yet, and it already is unbearable. Haymitch comes along, trying to talk to me, but I ignore him. I really needed him to be with me, stay with me. To stay sober for me. But clearly, that was too much to hope for. When he keeps on pushing me, the bomb explodes inside of me and a fire ignites. I jump up and corner him. ''Shut your mouth you drunk idiot!'' I hiss at him. ''You really believe I'm going to listen to you when your blood nearly only exists of alcohol? Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?'' I now yell. ''I need you Haymitch, now more than ever! And all you do is drink your miserable life away!'' I shout at him, feeling completely furious. First, his expression is surprised. Then he becomes angry too. ''You think I don't try to help you?!'' He yells back at me. ''Without me you wouldn't even be here!'' he screams. This really pisses me off. ''YOU THINK I NEEDED YOU?" I scream at the top of my lungs. ''YES!'' he yells back. I'm so angry. So furious. I grab a plate and throw it against the wall out of frustration. ''NO!'' I yell back. ''I could've done it without you, Haymitch! I could! I made my own bow and weapons, you only made them more Capitol like,'' I spit at him. His expression speaks of pure hurt and anger. ''Well, fine then, do it on your own,'' he hisses at me, before walking away and slamming the door shut behind him. ''Oh, that is okay, I have done that for my whole life!'' I yell after him. Not long after that I hear glass shatter. I stomp back to my own compartment and sink down on my bed. I feel exhausted, and I bury my face in my pillow to conceal the sobbing. ''I h-hate you,'' I cry into my cushion. I let the train rock me into sleep, while thinking of home. And Hadrian. And how much I despite everyone and everything at the moment.


	15. Chapter 15

15.

The next morning my prep team awakens me, and we start the long process of making me beautiful again, which is more difficult with my pregnant belly than before. When they're done with me, I'm dressed in a dark green dress which reaches my knees. It is tightened just above my baby bump. My hair is hanging down my back and I have light make-up on. We reach District 11, and it is heavily guarded like 12 never was.  
We get ushered in and in a few minutes I'm standing in the burning sun. I read the speech that was written for me, and when I'm back we have diner.  
And this goes on, and on, in every District. And with each District I feel more alone, more haunted, as I realize the blood of innocent children sticks to my hands. And as we get closer to District 2, my nightmares grow richer. I never knew there were so many ways to get killed, as the children I killed do this to me every night. I even begin to think I'm already dead on the inside. I'm wearing a white dress, similar to my interview dress, and my hair is down again and I'm wearing lovely pink lipstick and my eyes seem to be regular. I wish they hadn't put me in such an innocent dress.  
I could need some bravery and strength right now. We go in to the Justice Building, and finally they call me up. A polite applause happens and I'm supposed to say something, only I can't. I find myself numb as I watch what must be Hadrian's parents, looking at my baby bump in shock. Apparently Hadrin got his father's face, but his dark curly hair is his mothers. I take a deep breath. I made a speech, for him. For Hadrian. To let his parents know that even though their son is gone, they'll get his child in return. I want them to know that death sometimes also means life. But my throat is thick with tears, and I don't even dare to look at Marina her parents. I compose myself and clear my throat, before saying the regular speech. My hands clutch to the sides of my microphone.

''He was brave,'' I start with a trembling voice. ''Hadrian was so brave. And.. He was just.. He was amazing. He had an amazing personality..'' I close my eyes for a moment, and immediately his face flashes by. Instead of opening them again, I keep them closed for a little longer, since he gives me courage. As I open them again, I look directly at his parents. ''Thank you, for him. He.. changed my life, in ways you can't even imagine.'' I see their confusion and sadness on their face, but also.. They look proud, underneath. His mother's eyes flutter down at my bump for a second time, and then looks at me, the question written all over her face. But I can't tell them now, with everybody watching. So I decide to sneak out during diner and find them. They end it, and I'm directed inside. When I tell them I need to go to the bathroom, I see Haymitch frowning at me. He probably knows what I'm going to do, but I don't care. I slip out, which goes pretty easy since the guards were gone. I quickly run down the stairs, and smile when I see almost everybody left except for his parents. Today the odds are in my favor, at last. When they see me, shock registers on their face. ''You.. You are Hadrian's parents, right?'' I ask them hesitantly. They nod. ''Yes,'' his mother says. I nod. ''You.. I'm.. Well as you might have noticed, I'm pregnant,'' I say awkwardly. ''And I just needed to tell you, that it is Hadrian's. And I really hope that there is a way we can stay in touch,'' I say, fumbling my dress. They both look very surprised, but then they both look at each other and smile. ''We would love to,'' his father says. I smile at them, and when they say they know someone with a phone, I quickly write down my number for them. We say goodbye and I quickly walk back to the Justice Building, when a blonde and tall girl stops me. She must be about my age. Her eyes speak of pure rage and disgust. She looks quite familiar.. ''You killed my sister,'' she hisses. My eyes widen in terror, as I'm sure in return she'll kill me. Luckily, a pair of peacekeepers just walls by to escort me back inside. Never have I been more happy for peacekeepers to be around. When I come inside, Haymitch gets pretty mad at me.  
''Who told you that you could just go outside?'' He says enraged. I simply shrug and say ''Nobody told me that I couldn't.'' I turn away coldly as we are expected for diner. Though I don't last diner. I run for the bathroom twice, and after the second time I decide to dismiss myself. I've just made it to the couch when someone else also enters the carriage. Haymitch. ''I didn't feel well,'' I say quietly. He takes the couch opposite of me and stares me down. ''I know what you did, and they will punish you for this,'' he says bluntly. I look down at my hands, folded in my lap. ''I know.''  
We sit there, in silence. ''Do you miss him?'' He suddenly asks. I look up, and nod. ''Yes. But it gets less with the day. Why?'' I ask. He shrugs and stands up. ''Just wondering.'' Then he walks away, and he is behind me, so I can't see him anymore. Then he suddenly plants a kiss on top of my head. ''You did well, now go sleep,'' He murmurs. I nod and stand op too, going the opposite way. When I lay in bed, I start to sing. First the Hanging Tree, then Deep in the Meadow. It soothes me, and reminds me of home, when it was still a safe haven. When we were happy. It reminds me of my brother. I sigh and fall asleep, my hands on top of my baby bump.


	16. Chapter 16

16.

District 1 was horrible since I killed both their tributes. And now, I'm getting ready for the Victor interview.  
I'm wearing a light green dress and my hair is set in beautiful curls down my back.  
The cheers deafen me when I go to my seat where Caesar is waiting for me. I sit down as people stare at my belly, shocked.  
Caesar smiles wary at me, patting my hand. ''Well, Lily, it has been quite some time. Eight months, wasn't it?'' I nod and give him a little smile back.  
''Indeed, Caesar.. And as you may have noticed.. Things changed,'' I say lightly.  
Caesar gives a full-hearted laugh and the audience joins in. ''Well tell me, we are about eight months after the Games. Who, is the lucky father?'' He asks smiling warmly.  
My hands are folded in my lap, and I look at them for a second before looking up to answer.  
The answer I've been dreading to give. The answer.. that might cost my child's life.  
But I have to answer honestly, or else it would be a disgrace to Hadrian. Also, I'd have to find a fake father for my child.  
I take a deep breath before answering. ''It.. it is Hadrian, District 2's tribute from last year,'' I say with a steady voice, which even surprises me.  
A collective shock registers on the audience faces. Some even start crying. I look at Caesar, who looks shocked too, and sad, for me.  
He takes my hand and gives it a tight squeeze. ''I'm so sorry,'' he tells me. I look down at our hands and nod. ''Me too,'' I whisper.  
''Do you have any names picked out yet?'' he asks kindly. I smile and shake my head. ''No, not really. I don't even know if it'll be a boy or girl,'' I say laughing. The audience and Caesar join in.  
We spent the rest of the time talking about ridiculous baby names, asking the audience's opinion, which brings great roars.  
Then the interview is over, and we get ushered to Snow's mansion where the victory dinner takes place.

I take in a deep breath when I see the ballroom-sized room.  
It is gorgeous, with food spread along the walls and a big place that was made free to dance on.  
I look for Haymitch, and when I've just spotted him, people, important people, start talking to me.  
I act along, talking, laughing, laughing more. I try to taste every little thing stalled out, but it's just too much.  
I'm just watching the people dance, sipping my orange juice, when I can feel a hand on my shoulder and the scent of roses and blood penetrates my nose.  
I know who it is before I even turn around, but when I do, the shock I feel is not less. I look right into Snow's snake like eyes.  
''Miss Everdeen,'' he says politely in his Capitol accent. I nod and shake his hand. ''President Snow, I didn't know you attended these parties,'' I say as casually as possible, trying to find Haymitch in the crowd, as unnoticed as possible. ''Well, there are my exceptions,'' he answers. He holds his hand out and raises his eyebrows. ''Care to dance with me?''  
I inhale sharply. ''Of course,'' I answer quietly. We go on to the dance floor and dance. I don't like how close he is. The scent is so strong it hurts my nose. ''You're causing a rebellion, you know,'' he suddenly says, though it's not more than a whisper. I look him in the eyes, surprised by his blunt words. A rebellion? That couldn't be possible.  
''A rebellion?'' I whisper back. I don't remember pulling a rebellious act.  
He nods, though barely noticeable. ''Yes. Your little love-affair, which exceeded with your love child, has been known all over Panem. This seems to give the districts hope that they could all work together. That we don't have to.. kill each other. Can you see my problem, Miss Everdeen?'' I nod.  
A rebellion. This is something I've never dared to dream of, a thought blown away by my mother's rants. I can feel a spark ignite in me, a fire. A rebellion. Another world of peace for my child. But my fire gets put out as quickly as it ignited when I look back in Snow's eyes and see his unforgiving stare.  
I couldn't lead this rebellion, even if I wanted to. It would cost me my child, my brother.. everyone I love. My eyes shoot down to the ground, as I feel tears welling up behind them. ''Yes. I understand.''  
''Pardon me President, but may I take her over?'' I quickly look aside, where Haymitch is standing. I smile.  
Haymitch, my knight in shining, liquor drenched, armor. President Snow bows gracefully and hands me over.  
Haymitch twirls me around, so I end up standing with my back to him, his body pressed against mine.  
He puts his mouth next to my ear and begins to talk. ''What did he want from you?'' he says.  
I look around me and see people, most of them intoxicated, looking at us, smiling. It makes me a bit sick to be honest.  
''He told me the Districts are.. uneasy. He thinks we're at the beginning of a rebellion,'' I whisper back.  
I turn my head around and see an amused twinkle in his eye. ''That is great,'' he whispers back. I shake my head and drop my gaze to the floor. ''It isn't, Haymitch. I'm the one who started this.. And the one who'll pay for it. We can't set this through, Haymitch. They'll kill my child, my brother.. And, most likely, they'll kill you.''  
Silence. That is all I need to confirm my thoughts. I softly untangle his arms around me and walk away swiftly.  
I give myself a treat of blueberry ice cream, drenched in vanilla liquor. It is delicious. After that, for us, dinner is over and we go back to our train.  
I ignore Haymitch and make my way to my own room, washing all the paint of me, kicking my dress to the ground, to dress in some satin pajama's afterwards. I've just sat myself in my bed when someone knocks on my door.  
I look up when the door opens, revealing Haymitch, awkwardly holding two mugs of something hot and steamy. ''Can I come in?'' he asks. I nod and he closes the door behind him and sits down next to me, handing me one.  
I take a cautious sip and smile as the warm and creamy liquid warms me up. ''Chocolate milk,'' I say happy. He nods.  
For a while we sit there in silence, the only sound our slurping, when he breaks it. ''I'm sorry this all happened to you,'' he says softly.  
I look up to meet his Seam grey eyes. ''I'm sorry for you too,'' I reply. We spend the night together, again. Protecting each other from nightmares.  
I notice mine multiplied that night, but he stays there, stroking my hair every time until I sink to sleep again.  
And when morning comes, and I see the dark circles under his eyes, I know that he hasn't slept at all.


	17. Chapter 17

17.

It's evening and dark outside, but I can still hear the cheers and laughter. I smile brightly. Today was the Celebration dinner on the last day of the Harvest Festival. I'm glad to know at least everybody will go to bed tonight with a full stomach. Though, lately almost everybody has since I won.  
I make myself a cup of tea and sink down on my couch, my fireplace lighting up the whole room, coating it in its warmth.  
I quietly sip my tea, enjoying the peace and silence, when someone knocks on my door.  
I quickly want to stand up to open it when it already swings open.  
A slightly intoxicated Haymitch stands in front of me, gesturing to the couch where I just stood up from.  
''Sit down, sweetheart. Don't want the baby to suddenly come.. flooping out,'' he says laughing. I shrug and sit down again.  
He takes place in a chair near the fireplace. I laugh quietly. ''Sure you should be near an open flame while drenched in alcohol?'' I ask jokingly.  
He shrugs and sighs. ''Life couldn't get even less pleasant after that, it is already horrible,'' he says gruffly.  
I tightly hold my cup with both hands and look at it. I really thought he was doing better. Apparently I was wrong.  
''What's wrong?'' he suddenly asks.  
I look up and give him a little smile, shaking my head. He laughs shortly. ''What? Cat caught your tongue?''  
I glare at him for a moment and then quickly focus on a point somewhere in the flames, sipping my tea.  
''It's just.. I thought you were a bit more happier again,'' I say softly. He frowns and looks at me with a puzzled expression.  
I shrug, and drink the last bit of tea. ''Never mind,'' I mumble. I stand up and waddle to the kitchen and put my cup in the sink.  
I take a deep breath, and put my elbows on the kitchen dresser, my head in my hands. I had him, for a while. Haymitch. The sober Haymitch.  
Heavy footsteps. I quickly turn around to find Haymitch standing there. He still looks puzzled. ''What is your deal, sweetheart? Seriously?'' I frown at grab a liquor bottle from my shelf and wave it in front of his nose. ''_This,_ Haymitch! This is what's wrong!'' I spit angrily at him.  
He steps back, surprised, looking at the bottle. I see his hand move for a swift moment, but I know what he was about to do before he stopped himself. I throw the bottle against a wall and the white alcohol spreads across the floor in between the tiles. ''YOU DISGUST!'' I yell at him. ''That you even _dare_ to try and raise your hand to grab that bottle! How could you!'' I can see that Haymitch feels cornered, and I know for a fact Haymitch doesn't like to be cornered. ''Why are you being so angry at me?'' he asks with his jaws clenched, hands in fists.  
''YOU LEFT ME!'' I yell at him, overcome with emotion. I feel disappointed. Neglected. Alone. Angry. Sad. I can feel the tears pushing behind my eyes, impatient to come out. ''You abandoned me again! Every time things get to heavy or hard for you.. You flee. But what about me, Haymitch?'' I ask, pain in my voice. ''I need you, I need someone who knows what I'm going through. I.. I can't do this anymore. Your unpredictability. I need you to leave, Haymitch. I'm.. I'm sorry,'' I say tiredly, looking at him with pleading eyes. The shock is still registering on his face, when he suddenly just turns around and storms away. I sink down on the kitchen floor, getting wet from the alcohol, when the impatient tears finally make their appearance. I'm losing everything and everybody. My life is a mess. It will never get better. Sobs start shaking my body uncontrollably. I slowly stand up, and throw all my cups and dishes to bits. They shatter on the floor, sometimes hitting me somewhere on my bare skin, or tearing my dress. I break it all anyway. I need this kitchen to be like I feel. Broken.  
When I'm done I stumble upstairs, and sink down in my baby's soon-to-be-room. I receive a little washed away teddy bear that was once mince and sit down on the floor, next to the little bed, under the window. I stroke the teddy bear as I get calm again. Well.. Calm? More numb. I rest my head against the wall and sigh deeply, letting fatigue get the best of me as I slip in a dreamless sleep.

I wake up to feel even worse than I already did. I slowly stand up, make it to my own bed room, and crawl under the covers. I'm just starting to fall asleep again, even though I'm already half asleep, when suddenly my door bursts open. I quickly sit up and my first response is my hand going to my shoulder, looking for an arrow, just to find nothing. When I have woken up enough I see it's Jack, so I allow myself to relax. ''Hey,'' I say. ''Hey..'' he says cautiously. ''What happened last night?'' he asks bluntly. I think about my damaged kitchen and look down in shame. ''I.. It was an accident, clumsy,'' I say. But I know he doesn't believe me, so I tell him the truth. ''I'm going to kill that asshole,'' he mutters under his breath, already starting to walk away. ''No!'' I try to get out of bed but give up. ''You can't.. it's nothing, it's-'' but my sentence is cut off by a sharp and sudden pain in my belly. Jack hurries to me. ''What's wrong?'' he asks worried. ''I.. I just got this pain.. And-'' again. I get it again. This is when I start to panic. ''Jack, I'm scared,'' I exclaim. He quickly kisses my head and runs out the door, calling;''I'll get Mary!'' A few minutes Mary is making my room ready to deliver a baby. ''But it's too soon,'' I manage to get out in between the stabs of excruciating pain. Mary is getting some towels and water and medicine ready with a trained expression. ''It's just a month, it'll be okay,'' she assures me. I nod and lay back. Jack takes place next to me, holding my hand. The pain is getting worse. ''It hurts, it hurts so bad!'' I cry with clenched teeth. Jack is stroking my hair, which makes me flinch at the memory of our train ride back home with Haymitch, when Mary sits down on my other side. ''And now.. we wait,'' she sighs.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N****_ THE BABY IS COMING!  
Finally :) I recommend you listen to  
Tomorrow will be Kinder - The Secret Sisters when the baby is born :)  
ENJOY_**

18.

The day goes by slow and painfully. There were many moments when the pain got the best of me and I just bawled my eyes out, calling for someone to end it for me. But they never do. Night has just settled and the pain is getting unbearable. Mary checks how far I am and comes back up, frowning. ''You're still only 2 centimeters. I'm sorry, we really have to wait longer,'' she says carefully. I cover my face with my hands and moan. I take on a new position. ''I'm so nauseous,'' I say with an awfully weak voice. Jack quickly gets a bucket, just in time because just a few seconds later I bring up the broth they made me eat earlier. Suddenly, there is knocking on the door downstairs. I look up to Jack, who quickly hurries to get it. I quickly sit up when he comes back, only a few seconds later. ''Who was it?'' I ask, clenching my teeth as another wave of pain consumes me. ''Haymitch,'' he says shortly. ''I threw the door shut in his face, if you don't mind,'' he says casually before sitting down beside me again. The pain is overwhelming and my cheeks never dry. ''Try to sleep,'' Mary says softly. She gives me a spoon of sleep syrup, and in a few seconds I find myself dreaming.  
Though I come to the surface once in a while because of the pain, I do sleep quite nice. My dreams exists of clouds and softness. I dance around with Hadrian, I laugh with my parents, I hunt with my brother. The only one that is missing is Haymitch. When I slip out of my dream world again, I feel disappointed when I fully awake again. I open my eyes and the first thing I register is Haymitch's face. He looks beaten down, sad, lost, and too sober than what's good clearly good for him. ''What are you doing here?'' I ask him softly. Even though we're not that far away from each other, the distance feels endless. ''I.. Because,'' he says gruffly.  
It stays quiet for quite some time. The only disturbance are my casual pain triggered squeals.  
''Where are they?'' I ask quietly. ''Went home, it took me an hour to convince them I wasn't going to kill or hurt you or something. They had to pick that little girl up anyway,'' he mumbles. I nod and close my eyes. The pain is ridiculous, just like how I feel about him being here. This all is ridiculous. ''I'm scared,'' I whisper, my eyes still closed, going under a new wave of pain. ''Me too,'' he says. My hands lay in my lap, trembling, when I feel his big hand covering mine, stopping the shaking. We sit there, me crushing his hands because of the horrendous pain. When I finally can't take it anymore, I sob; ''Get Mary! Get Mary please!''  
The small time I'm alone is frightening. I'm scared that any time something will happen. That Snow will show up. Luckily, they get back soon, and Mary announces it's time.  
Panic rises and fear overwhelms me as I tightly grab Haymitch's hand. ''Don't leave me,'' I say in a high pitched voice. ''I won't,'' he replies.  
The next couple of hours are horrible. I keep on pushing, breathing, pushing, breathing, pushing. ''I can't do this!'' I cry. ''You can! I can see the head! Push!'' Mary insists. So I push again. I never knew I could handle this much pain. It is horrible.  
''Please..'' I beg crying. I'm absolutely exhausted. ''Damn it Everdeen, you survived the god damned Hunger Games, you can easily put a baby on this earth!'' Haymitch suddenly says. First I'm a bit surprised, but when I get another contraction, I yell; ''WELL YOU DO IT THEN!'' He raises his eyebrows and then just laughs at me. This makes me so mad, that with another power in me I start pushing again. ''You're almost there!'' I hear Mary say happily.  
''No I'm not!'' I yell. I push, and push. Suddenly, I can hear Haymitch and Mary both gasp, and the pain goes away slowly. Suddenly, a child's cry fills the room. I look up to Mary, who is quickly cleaning and wrapping the baby in a blanket with tears in her eyes. She sniffs and then places the baby in my arms. ''It's a girl,'' she whispers, looking at me, full of joy. The moment I hold her she falls silent. The feeling I get from holding is.. Indescribable. This little girl is made out of love, out of realization life is short, maybe.. maybe even out of rebellion. I gasp when she opens her small and puffy eyes. They are beautifully grey. They are Hadrian's eyes. This makes my heart hurt. The thought of Hadrian. The fact that I'm actually holding a piece of him. That he really will be with me forever, all because of this little girl. I look at the brown curls on top of her head and smile, as a tear rolls down my cheek. She has my hair color, but she definitely has Hadrian's curls. After all these months and years of sadness.. Finally I can see a little light. She is my light, my savior. She is my first little flower that announces spring, which announces warmth and light. She is my little.. ''Primrose,'' I whisper. She starts making little baby sounds and I laugh. And as I look in her eyes, it is like I'm looking into Hadrian's. He would've been so proud and happy.  
''That is a beautiful name.'' I quickly look up and see Mary smiling at me, though a bit sad. ''I'll be back in a few minutes,'' she says before quickly walking out of the room.  
I sigh, as I almost forgot they were here.  
''She is adorable,'' Haymitch suddenly says. I look up to him and laugh when I see his eyes are a bit wet. He clears his throat. ''I.. I will let you two be alone now,'' he says.  
''No, wait,'' I say, pulling him back down as he already stood up.  
''I.. I do need you, and in the coming years probably even more,'' I admit to him.  
''Haymitch.. Since the games you were the one, together with my brother and Mary, to keep me sane. I need you and I owe you. So please.. please don't leave me,'' the last words come out, barely above a whisper. He sits back down and takes my hand.  
''I won't,'' he repeats his words from before. I smile and press a kiss on his hand, whispering ''Thank you.'' In a few minutes, the room and my life suddenly became a lot more brighter.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N **_Give me love - Ed Sheeran_

19.

The next few days are a happy haze, where Mary teaches me all the basics of how to change a diaper and how to feed her.  
And now I'm alone, in my house, rocking my baby. My baby. My little Primrose.  
Her eyes have now completely opened though, and they are beautifully grey. Not seam grey. Hadrian grey.  
I jump up, accidently shocking Primrose, when my phone rings. She almost starts to cry and I softly shush her, stroking her hair.  
She has calmed down when I pick up the phone. ''Hello.. Eh, This is Lily-May?'' I say. This is the first time I picked up a phone. ''Hello, this is Hadrian's mother. You asked us to stay in touch, and we were wondering, how you're doing with your pregnancy.'' I gasp when I hear her voice.  
She has a pleasant voice, though. ''Yes.. Well.. About that.. It is a girl, and I'm holding her right now.''  
It goes silent on the other side of the line. ''It is a girl,'' I hear her whisper. ''Yes, her name is Primrose. Your son told me that those were his favorite flowers,'' I reply. ''That is wonderful,'' she says, her voice full of emotion. ''I will find a way to send you pictures, I promise.''  
She laughs and I laugh too. ''That would be fantastic! If you excuse me, I need to inform my husband, it was wonderful talking to you Lily-May,'' I smile. ''Goodbye, the pleasure was completely mine,'' and we hang up.  
I bring Primrose on eye height and smile at her big eyes. ''That was your grandmother, Primrose,'' I mutter at her.  
I happily go outside and smile when she quickly closes her eyes for the sun. I take her over to Haymitch.  
He lets us in, and takes Primrose over from me.  
I sit down on the couch and he sits down beside me, rocking Primrose. ''She is a beautiful little girl,'' he says smiling. I smile too.  
It is nice to see Haymitch smiling. The last few years I didn't get to see that smile often. ''How are you doing?'' I ask relaxed.  
He shrugs and looks at me with those bright grey eyes. ''I'm fine, leaving the alcohol is difficult.. But.. You know,'' he says, looking back at Primrose again. But I don't know. ''No,'' I say shaking my head. ''I don't.'' He doesn't look at me and keeps on rocking Primrose. ''It's worth it,'' he says softly.  
I look down at my hands, folded in my lap, and can't help but to think about his words. It's worth it. Worth what? ''What's worth it?'' I think out loud.  
He looks back at me again, his eyes softer but more determined than I had ever seen them. ''You. And this little kid. You're worth not drinking,'' he replies.  
I look at him with a startled expression. ''Oh,'' I say.  
He clears his throat and gives Primrose back to me. I see she is fast asleep now. ''I'm going back to my place and lay her down in her crib. Do you.. I mean.. Would you like to come with me?'' I ask, tripping over my own words. He nods and shrugs. ''Sure, why not,'' and together we go to my house.  
I go upstairs and gently lay Primrose down, kissing her forward, before going back downstairs.  
Haymitch is already seated at my couch with a glass of- ''Water, sweetheart, it's just water,'' he assures me. I nod and sit down beside him.  
I take deep breath. ''Hadrian's mother called today,'' I say. He nods and frowns. ''I'd just like to know.. Is there any way, I could send her pictures?'' I ask. His frown deepens as he thinks. ''Through the mayor. I'll try and get it together tomorrow, okay?'' he says, and I nod, shutting my eyes.  
The last few days have been exhausting, with only a couple of hours of sleep.  
When I open them, Haymitch gently makes me lay down with my head on his lap. ''Sleep, you need it,'' he says.  
I nod and close my eyes again. I dream of a beautiful and dreamy place, where I cuddle with Primrose, laugh with Hadrian.  
But then, just before I lean in to kiss him, his blood splatters on my face as he tells me to run.  
I gasp and stumble backwards, as he plumps to the ground. Covered in blood. I quickly run away, but fall in to a hole that never seems to end.  
When I hit the ground, I stand up and almost fall back down again. Everyone I love is hanging by a noose. Jack. Mary. Primrose. Haymitch.  
This is when I wake up screaming. Haymitch is bend over me, stroking my hair out of my face. He looks worried.  
I start to shiver, and without a warning I start choking on my tears. I sit up and let Haymitch comfort me. I cough and wipe the remaining tears away. ''I'm fine now,'' I mumble.  
But he keeps on holding me. ''You know why I stopped drinking, and then started drinking again..'' he says vaguely.  
I look up to him and shake my head. ''Because I couldn't handle the Victory Tour. I couldn't.. Handle you.  
You seemed so strong and being able to handle the whole thing, it made me jealous. I envied you. Which was stupid, because you were pregnant with a baby, which Snow threatened to kill since the moment he knew. Of course you were supposed to be strong. And.. I think I just couldn't handle you being scared, sometimes. And sad. And broken. Because I was broken too. And I had to fix myself before I could fix you,'' he says. And I'm looking at him, with wide eyes of shock, of his confession.  
''I-'' but the words never come, because before I can start my sentence Haymitch has already pressed his lips on mine.  
It's a sweet collision. He tastes of apples, and maybe a hint of alcohol, but not much. He tastes quite.. wonderful. He tastes like a new beginning.  
But then he pulls away, and I don't want him to, so I pull him back in. We can fix each other. We survived the Hunger Games. Of course we can fix each other.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N Be the One - the Fray**

20.

I wake up crying, from a nightmare. ''Go to sleep,'' Haymitch whispers. He stayed the night, taking care of me and Primrose.

He gently wipes the sweat out of my face. ''It was just a bad dream, go to sleep,'' he whispers. I shake my head and get out of bed, tip toeing to Primrose her bedroom. I sneak in and lift her up from her bed. She lets out a little sound, but goes to sleep quickly after. I take her back to my bedroom and lay down again, laying Primrose down between Haymitch and me, kissing her forehead softly.

''I had a dream I was back in the Games,'' I whisper. ''And Snow was there, and he was feeding Primrose to the mutts..'' Haymitch strokes my hair.

We're both laying on our sides, facing each other, Primrose between us. ''She is safe. Aren't you, sweetheart?'' he mutters softly at Primrose, though fondly. I smile. Haymitch is wonderful with Primrose. I stroke his cheek, feeling the stubble tickling my hand. He looks back at me and smiles too. ''Go sleep,'' he whispers. I nod and lay down again, and I let him stroke my back and hair, until I fall asleep.

It feels like hours have passed when I wake up again, because of someone screaming. I shoot up, my hand flying to my shoulder looking for an arrow. My head still seems to be in the Games. I look to my left and see a sweating Haymitch, his eyes shut close fiercely, and he looks as he is in pain. Primrose her eyes are open too, and I can see her chin quivering, so I quickly scoop her up and rock her back into oblivion, while I try to wake up Haymitch.

It takes some time, but he finally wakes up, though scared. I slide over to him, wiping the sweet out of his eyes, forcing him to look at me. ''Haymitch.. Haymitch, look at me, you're safe, you're here, you're home,'' I whisper. His eyes are out of focus for a few seconds, but then he finds mine, and he locks his Seam grey eyes on my foreign green ones. I can see by his eyes he is calmed down. ''I'm going to put Primrose back to bed, I'll be back in a sec, okay?'' he nods as I quickly walk to her bedroom and gently lay her down again, then I make a short stop at the bathroom, filling a glass with cold water, before I go back to the bedroom.

When I walk in, he grins, letting his eyes follow my body. I look down, frowning, when I see my sleeping gown only exists of a too large shirt that belonged to Jack, before he grew too big for it. Sometimes I wonder how he can be so tall while I'm so small.

I scowl at him while quickly climbing in bed with him under the covers. ''Don't use that cocky grin, I hate it when you do that,'' I mutter before laying down again. He wraps his arms around me, and kisses the tip of my nose while laughing. ''Don't be so serious sweetheart,'' he whispers, his lips nearly touching my ear, his warm breath sending shivers down my spine.

''How did this happen,'' I ask while laying my head down on his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat. He sighs before answering.

''Slowly. You.. You won me over, Everdeen. But I didn't dare to do anything, since you were still grieving for your previous lover. You were even carrying his child,'' he mutters while playing with my hair. ''And then.. I don't know, something changed. I wasn't afraid anymore.'' I look up to him and our eyes meet and lock. ''I just wanted you to be safe, and happy,'' he finishes. ''Thank you,'' I whisper before I press my lips on his.

His hand fumbles with my hair while we kiss, and mine stay put on his chest. I love to feel his heartbeat. It lets me know he is alive. He is here.

He breaks the kiss. ''You taste delicious,'' he says, grinning somewhat. I smile, even though it's small. ''What time is it?'' I ask. He immediately answers ''Not yet morning.'' I chuckle and shake my head.

He settles himself, so he is laying on his back, and he is holding me tightly against him. ''Want me to tell you a story?'' he asks. I shrug and nod. ''Sure.'' He takes a deep breath before he starts.

''Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was beautiful. Oh, so beautiful. Her hair was a lighter shade of brown, her eyes were a beautiful color green. The kind of green you see in the forest, the green of leafs in the summer. But the beautiful girl was sad. She had lost many things along the way. She did not dare to love anymore. And then, to make things worse, faith had selected her for a monstrous adventure. Along the way, she met a guy. He was whole, and charming. What she needed. They loved but did not dare to say so. In her adventure, she lost the boy she loved. But she was left with a little girl, and in secret, there was another boy. Well, more like a man. He was quite the handsome one, but just like the girl, he had lost many things. They both lost their lovers. The man, though, kept the girl in sight. But he made mistakes, he messed up. And the girl had her own struggles. The monster was lurking for her daughter, so she feared every day and every night. But she forgave him. So they ended up together, trying to keep each other happy, trying to fix each other.''

The tears are silently streaming down my face. ''Did they live happily ever after?'' I choke out. He is gently stroking my hair again.

''They did,'' he whispers. ''And the girl's daughter lived a happy life too. She became just as beautiful as her mother. And together with the man, the girl lived happily ever after too, getting children of their own.'' ''The end,'' I finish quietly. ''The end,'' he repeats.

He lays down with my, kissing me softly. ''I swear I won't leave you,'' he tells me. I nod and caress his cheek with my hand. ''I know,'' I say before pulling him in to kiss again.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N **Human - Daughter

21.

A month has passed, a beautiful and blissful month. Primrose has grown some and she even started laughing sometimes. And Haymitch.. He has never been doing better.  
''So you're absolutely okay with me leaving Primrose here?'' I ask him one more time. Haymitch pats my cheek reassuring. ''Of course, I won't leave the little girl out of sight.''  
''Promise?'' ''Promise.'' I give them both a kiss and turn to the door, and almost run to Jack's door.

Today we are finally going out hunting together. When I spot him I fling my arms around him. ''Jack, missed you,'' I mutter in his hunting jacket. I hear him laugh as he pushes me off him. ''Come on Lims, we got a whole day ahead of us.'' Together we walk to the fence, the sun not even risen yet. We retrieve our bow and arrows, and make our way down to the snares Jack set some days ago.

I quickly spot several rabbits hanging up by his snares. I sniff in the fresh air. It makes me feel alive again. ''It's been so long,'' I say, caressing my own bow and looking around me. Jack nods and pats my head.

Then, without another word, we go off hunting. It is amazing to be outdoors again, though the air is still somewhat chill. After a few hours, we have come up with 5 rabbits, three squirrels, 20 fishes and a variety of roots and berries.

We settle down at the small like by the stone house. I close my eyes and feel my joints relaxing, when I realize this has been the first time in months I have been truly relaxed and at peace. ''Lims..'' I look to my left where Jack is sitting, and he is looking at me funny. An expression I can't quite place. ''About Haymitch..'' I scowl as he starts to talk. ''Does he make you happy?'' I shrug and look down my lap. ''Guess so,'' I mutter.

Why did the conversation have to land on him? Of course, we have happy moments and he does make me happy.. But.. I still don't feel like I can trust him. He can be so sudden. One fight and he would be off to drinking again.

Jack sighs and takes my hand between his, forcing me to look up to him. In between all the business, and, hell why not admit it.. depression, I forgot to look at him. Jack. My big brother, who got older by ten years in a few weeks. But then again, haven't we all? And for the first time, I look at myself.

I look at my slightly deformed reflection in the water, and I feel shock. Of course, I grew up early. Too early. But.. I swear I looked younger when I got reaped. I'm only 17, but I look like I'm 25. I look extremely tired and worn out. There is nothing child-like left in me. ''Jack.. I..'' I'm in shortage of words, as I slowly touch my own face. My hollow eyes. My cracked lips. I can feel Jack move beside me as he puts his arm around me and pulls me to him. ''Why me.. Why does everything have to happen to me?'' I whisper hoarsely.

It is unlike me to drown in self-pity.. But I feel like I have the right too. Up until now I have lost almost everyone I love, and now Snow is threatening to kill another one. Sweet little Primrose. ''Because bad things happen to good people,'' Jack mutters in my hair, but I shake my head. ''I'm not good. You saw me in the Games. I killed innocent children. I am selfish. No good person ever wins the Games, Jack,'' I mumble.

Jack sighs once more. ''Don't talk like this, Lims.. You got a kid and yourself to take care of. And you can do it, I will always be there to help you!'' he says, smiling somewhat. I'm about to smile too when a paranoid thought clouds my mind. ''Jack.. As long as we're close, Snow will only see you as another piece he can destroy to destroy me. I.. I think it is better for us to cease the communication. Better for you, and Mary and Katniss..'' And as the words leave my lips, I can feel my insides crumble and fall apart, in to a hollow pit which formed right after Hadrian's death.

I can feel Jack's body stiffen as my words hit him, and he pulls his arm back. He forces me to look at him again, and I can barely stand it. ''You.. You can't, Lily, this is nonsense!'' I shock of his sudden outburst. ''For all these years, after all these years, it has been you and me, and now you're telling me we can't see each other anymore?!'' he yells.

And I can't take it. I can't take the pain in his voice and the hurt in his eyes.

''Jack..'' even though my voice is nothing more than a whisper, barely audible, he stops ranting and looks at me.

''You have your own little family now.. And I want you to live so you can see Katniss grow up, maybe Mary and you will get other children! I don't want you to miss that. And do you really think this isn't hard for me too? I'm breaking, Jack! And there is nothing more I can do than suck it up!'' He looks at me, slightly confused. Then the words hit him and he looks heartbreakingly sad. And we both stand up, and he hugs me hard. And I won't cry. I won't let myself. But then again, I'm feeling more numbness than sadness. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe not. Right now, it is more than I could wish for.

Together we go to the Hob where we trade together one last time. I let him take all the food, and I hit back home. Without saying goodbye to Mary or Katniss. I don't think I would be able to bear that.

When I arrive at home, it sinks in that I'll have to distance myself from Haymitch too. More pieces fall down the hollow pit. I take over a sleeping Primrose from him, and tell him to go home. He objects, but I won't let in.

And so he leaves, and I'm left with the last person I allow myself to love.

I take her upstairs, and lay down on my bed with her, stroking her soft cheek and little brown curls. I kiss her nose as a tear silently rolls down my cheek.

_''My little Primrose.''_


	22. Chapter 22

**Sorry guys, this chapter is kind of lame.**

22.

It has been a few weeks, and the loneliness is slowly killing me.

When I go out hunting I leave Primrose at Greasy Sae, who has been nothing but helpful. I smile at Primrose who is laying in her crib. ''Rosie, are you a sweet little girl?'' I say, lifting her up in my arms. She giggles and makes happy baby noises.

I sit down with her on my lap, her face to my, holding her little hands so she doesn't fall over. ''Hello sweetheart, how are you doing?'' Primrose stares at me with her grey eyes instead of answering. ''I'm sorry you're not seeing many people around here anymore, like uncle Jack and aunt Mary, and of course your niece Katniss.. But you'll understand, later,'' I tell her. She just squeals and tries to catch my hair in her tiny hands.

I laugh and set her back in her crib, when I hear a knock on the door. I take a deep breath before walking to the door, trying to settle my nerves. When I open the door I see Haymitch. ''Haymitch.. What are you doing here?'' I ask him tiredly. He comes in takes me in his strong arms, as I can smell the liquor on his breath. ''When I first slept at your place, I promised you something. Do you remember what that was?'' he says in a rushed voice, as I try to push him away. ''No.. No, you're drunk Haymitch and I won't have it!'' He grabs my wrists and holds me in place.

His brows furrow together as he clearly is thinking, when he eventually shrugs it off, shaking his head. ''But you love me Lily, I know you do, and.. And..'' he frowns as he tries to regain his thoughts. ''And I love you,'' he says simply, staring in to my eyes expectantly, and I can feel an whole new hole open inside of me. Next to the one my parents gave to me, just a bit to the right Hadrian caused. ''No I don't,'' I lie to him, as I shake his hands off and do a step backwards. He looks at me with hurt eyes, his voice shaking as he speaks with slurred words.

''Lily, please, don't do this you're confused and hurt.. I've been there and.. Please..'' He reaches his hand out to me, but I take another step back and watch his hand fall. I rub my eyes and sit down on one of the couches. ''Sit,'' I tell him, gesturing to the chair that stands to my right. He sits down and I do not dare look at him. ''Haymitch.. I want to thank you, first of all, because you really pulled me through, and I cannot thank you enough.'' He looks at me with a very confused expression. ''But.. I can't see you anymore, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I need to focus on Primrose and I can't have you together with her,'' I say, trying not to look up.

''Are you saying I'm a danger to her?'' he asks scowling, his voice trembling. ''You're un contemplated, Haymitch! One day you're sober, the other day you're drunk as hell!''

I give good reasons, though I'm not sure he is buying it. Maybe he is too intoxicated already to even understand what I'm saying. He runs a hand through his greasy brown hair, and then locks eyes with me. A shot of guilt bolts through me, as I brush back a strand of hair out of my face.

''Look.. I won't ignore you. I just need time.'' Time. Something I do need indeed, though I've got none of it. I was supposed to have all the time in the world. Now all I've got is a daughter who's time is running out. ''I will surely see you during the Games.'' Haymitch pulls a face when I mention the Games. It is something we both are not looking forward too. ''It would be best for you to leave,'' I whisper softly.

Only he doesn't. He gives me a stern look of determination. Then Primrose begins to cry, and I'm at her crib in seconds. ''What is it sweetheart?'' I murmur softly as I pick her up and hold her close to me. ''It's okay, you're okay, mommy is okay.'' I whisper it to her softly, and she starts to calm down quickly enough. I look at her little nose, and little fingers, and big grey eyes, and her little light brown curls, and for a second I forget about Haymitch, and the Games, and President Snow.

''You really love her a lot, don't you?'' Haymitch's voice sounds a bit more sober when he says that. ''Sometimes she is the only light I see,'' I reply with a flat voice. I hear some shuffling, and then a door opening and closing. I quickly look around me, and see he has left, at last.

I turn back to Primrose and stroke her soft, little cheek. ''I never meant for him to leave. I never meant to be alone. But here we are, Rose. Utterly alone in a cruel world that is planning on taking you away from me.'' I pause, to turn around and walk to my window. ''But I won't let them,'' I finish whispering.


End file.
